Monday Ramblings

Pre note to people <-- that IS NOT my arm! It's a pointed message though.

8.45: Well yesterday was a journey into the tunnels under the hole. Caving is not my thing and I don't intend to venture down there again. It was also the first time I've cut in pretty much a year. Nothing major, but still after everything got massively overwhelming the feeling of running a blade across my leg was delightfully sweet - and then ultimately cause people to get upset.

So last night I decided that this just has to stop. I have a choice, I can face my emotions at the surface, be emotional, tell DH and others how I feel and be this unstable wildly varying woman, but the flip side is that in order to deal with the massive emotions that live inside, there has to be a way to cope with them and my way is to take what is in my head and show it physically on my skin. I'm not trying to freak people out - or upset them, it's basically I can't contain what wells up inside, and no amount of talking or crying or smashing stuff will ever let it out; instead if i cut, it releases.

Now everyone seems to think that the cutting is bad and needs to stop (academically I can see this - but in my skewed mind all I can think is 'if it's going to cause this much fall out over a tiny cut, i could have done it properly' - and if that isn't messed up...), but the point is, if that's what they want, then the emotions go too. I can't be this angry and upset without a crash barrier. Initially, what I thought DH wanted was for me to be open emotionally - and I still do, but I'm not sure that he wants the fallout, or rather he wants me to find an alternative coping thing. Short of a bloody great punchbag and finding the ability to scream, I can't see an alternative.

But today is much cheerier. With the crap firmly locked back in it's box, I've downloaded all the weird west end musical stuff I used to sing as a kid. Figured I ought to pull Charlotte out of her toddler emo stage and introduce her to something other than greenday, paramore and the tweenies. And today is going to be clear out day. Knowing that we're off for the weekend, I'm going to put stuff to wear aside, and while I'm at it clear out a few cupboards that are hording crap we don't want or need :)

10.30: There seems to be something about cleaning the house. Once my head is a little more in order, it's easier clear some of the physical crap. Then when the physical crap starts to move, the mental stuff shifts too. They catalyse each other. This could explain why I feel reasonably calm at work - I've made a point of having a totally clear and neat desk. The only thing on there is my pc, a line of books in size order, a pad of paper and a pen - it's neat and makes me feel efficient. So why is so hard to have that at home? Perhaps it's because where I'm confident at work, I'm not at home. I honestly believe that I am a rubbish parent in terms of being mumsy and possibly the worst housewife in the world. I'm working on this by making an attempt at having a clear house! That and I have the pre going away cleaning thing that means everything must be in order before we leave!
Which technically means that I ought to remove myself from Blogger, quit telling the world about my brain and actually get on with it!

11.15: Well I made a start (or a mess.... as can be seen in the pic - this is what it looks like so far!) I decided to attack the kids toy area which is basically under the stairs in what was originally neat crates but has over the months spread into 'the area where we chuck the toys'. So I dragged everything out and re-created what I could, put bedroom stuff in a pile and and ousted a full bag of stuff they never play with. Atm i'm giving thing2 a pre-nap cuddle and hissing at thing1 as she tries to rescue the ousted toys prolaiming how much she plays with them (battle lines have been drawn - we move in three months and I will not take all this crap with us!!)



12.30: Mwaahaaahaa. 1-0 to me! I have beaten the toys into submission, thing2 is sleeping peacefully and thing1 has accepted the removal of old and useless toys. I've even managed to make a reasonably edible pad thai for lunch!







Next target it the bottom of the stairs and the kid's book corner..... loook out mess (see right) here I come with a bloody great bin bag!


I noticed I got a comment from a random follower on Saturday. From an outsider's point of view, they seem to have confirmed my depest fear; that I have got so used to being down a hole that I have started to find it a comfortable place (or in their words 'enjoy it'). The idea that my mind has bent that much leaves me a little cold. I was blaming all this stuff on the little girl wanting to play princesses and trying to give myself a kick up the arse to act like a proper grown up, when perhaps it's her who sees the joy in things. In a really messed up way, I've ended up being totally self centered becuase I was attempting not to be selfish! Maybe I have just accepted that this is where I belong - although it's not so bad down here with my increase in productivity I may even get moved up to an en suite hole ;)





2pm : I'm doing ok - the general idea for the longest blog in the world I was doing today was to work out where my low points occured and so i could stick a foot in the spokes of the rapid cycling. Instead a weird byproduct has occurred: I'm taking these before and after pictures and noticing that I am actually being productive. Seeing each of the areas that drive me insane actually looking neat (and not just compared to the mental image, but what they actually looked like). I have to wonder if this is the key to keeping on an even keel, baby steps and just record the reality instead of my skewed idea of how successful I am at things.

That and I then have photographic proof for when it's all been trashed again by tomorrow!

Right - next bit is a toughie.... sideboard and dining table. Recepticle for all manner of crap and the area which the kids are creating a cocopop sculpture.... Having wallowed deeply in self pity for the past month, this is now what I am left with. I'm looking forward to the 'after' picture for this bit!



3.30pm : 3-0 to me! ha! I was right, that was the toughest bit. If I needed further proof that I'm coping ok (apart from managing to actually get on with it, and keep the kids entertained) but I just put my gym bag into wash after an exploding shampoo incident has left it rather sticky, just as I was about to turn the machine on, I had a sudden thought to check the front pockets for loose change and discovered my mp3 player!!! Gahh - they do not like being submerged in water! My usual reaction would be to berate myself for not thinking to look first, but I just laughed and thought it was rather good luck I decided to look.

So, what next? Well the PC desks need sorting and then there's the dreaded upstairs (although I tackled the kids room & bathroom at the weekend, so technically it's just the hall and the dumping ground which is our bedroom. Considering, I think I may just focus on the washing for the rest of the day and take half an hour out to read while the kids are happy playing. In all a rather good day :)

..... and now back down to feeling stupid and small again. These egg shells are rather fragile.