A Posse Ad Esse (from being able, to being)

9am: A few days ago I was clinging onto metaphorical driftwood, over the past few days someone threw me a buoy of perpective and I thank them for that.



Now on a day like today I would usually feel terribley lonely and down as I'm not working, so keeping the shorties entertained and DH has his bi-monthly company outing (lucky bastard) and estimations mean he won't be home until after 10pm. Instead, I'm ok. If anything today is a bit of an even keel - I have a plan!


The front room needs a little more attention and I'm taking the girls to Tescos - I know this doesn't sound like much, but the thought of going into a supermarket with two toddlers fills me with dread so I usually wimp out and do everything online. Not just because they get bored (they tend not to if we sing and chat all the way round), but the dissaproving looks you get when one of them invariabley throws a wobbly, or just being in a place I'm not comfortable with. So today is the day, and I'm just going to do it. I'm slowly turning into a mushroom who either sits in the dark at work happy producing lines of code or hiding inside at home. Today is different. It's an adventure ;)


I have a new mantra from a rather insightful individual: "You can't change the past, but you do write your own future" - I know it sounds like one of those terrible evangelical bumper stickers, but in the context it was given to me, it makes perfect sense. Deep down I know that I am capable and intelligent, I just don't always believe it (or strike always for ever lol). Well, life is running past faster than I can keep up sometimes, so perhaps I ought to try a little belief. This week is a good start, it contains some legitimate proof of my capability, after all it's my graduation on Friday!

1.30pm: I did it, Tescos was done. Made it more fun by going with DT and running about with these bizarre kiddiecar trollies which although impossible to push were great fun. My hips feel like i've done a marathon, but meh. I had to get some trouser bits for thing1 as she has shot up, while we were looking I also got brave and got myself a girly hoodie, like I used to wear. I know I got rid of loads of my cool clothes a while ago to 'dress my age', but I thought sod it, I'm 28, not 82. If I want to dress mildly like a teenager sometimes, then I will. This is me having my princess moment - I am not ready to be middle aged yet and goddammit if I want to wear the stuff I like rather than elegant things and repierce everything on my body, well I might just do that.

Further proof that baby steps are working for keeping an even keel - I got an email through from DH's company letting me know I hadn't got the job that I had much coverted. Initially, there was that yikky sinking, not good enough feeling, but it didn't last long. I'm dissapointed, but hey, I enjoy my job and this just means I don't have to commute massively. It just means my current guys get to keep me;)

3.15pm: Perhaps it's the prospect of spending time with myself, but 3pm seems rather lonely today. The midgets are watching tv and I'm about to address the trashing that has occured in the front room. Weird thing is as the mood lulls, I want to turn to the comforting things - the idea of curling up under a blanket with a book or sinking into a hot bath just seem blissful. The vision of curling up in soft cusions with a blanket and my hair stroked as I fall into unconciousness is an overwhelming daydream. Maybe I've shrugged of this shroud of being a big tough girl and have accepted my need for rescue or at least reassurance.

5pm: Been playing with my poi - not productive in the slightest, and the lampshades took a battering but Thing1 and I had tonnes of fun (for a nearly 4 year old, she has amazing co-ordination!). I've not done it in ages and I completely suck at it, but it seems to be a rather fun upper body excercise while my hips are feeling a mite wobbly. Once their in bed I might try a few of the tricks I learnt - not advisable to weald heavy balls on string with short people with no sense of danger around lol. That and it's oh so embarrassing to smack yourself in the face with them in front of the kids (or anyone else!). Hmm.... toddler poi for christmas methinks....