Waging War Against Myself

I have been set a mission today. To keep smiling for someone. Until about 10 am this was easy - I stayed still as requested, but now having dealth with 3 full hours of whining from the small people I'm verging on homicidal. But I'm finding myself stopping, coutingto ten and reminding myself I should be smiling.

There's so much that needs doing at home, there's a pile of washing in the kitchen basically blocking the view of the machine and the tumble drier is broken (laundrette helpfully closes beofre DH gets home) so even if I can get some clothes in, they have to somehow dry by hanging them around the house. Where the f*** is all this laundry coming from? I finished it all last week! The kids are bored and destroying the house and I can't reach the floor to clean up (I have attempted asking the small people to help, but today they have decided to take advantage of the fact that I can't physically make them do anything). Thing 2 needs a nap, but I can't do my usual and cuddle her until she settles. So today I suck at parenting mildly more than usual. I know I'm meant to be smiling, but at this exact moment in time what I want to do is just walk out the door. Obvioiusly not going to happen, not that I'm actually any use to the kids, but they ought to have an adult in the house! That and I can't walk. This is utter frustration.

Post Rant: It's interesting how small things can keep you afloat. DH in his infinate helpfulness has spent his lunchbreak sourcing some airers and by giving the drier a bit of a smack it has had a new burst of life! With the prospect of ridding the house of the godawful washing pile, my mood has improved. DH has been feeling the pressure the last few weeks - especially this weekend. Taking over the house stuff like cooking and generally clearing he's been a wizz at, but where on a general basis we share the child stuff, he's taken over with most of it which has ended up with him having the kind of head spinning demandiness that I get on the days at home with the kids.... the 'DaddyDaddyDaddyDaddyDaddyDaddyDaddy" every five minutes or as soon as your bum hits the chair is wearing him down. I know exactly how he feels with them being constantly demanding as I get it every week and it drives me to distraction. It just happens that they're both being particularly demanding at the moment so he's been wearing the same shellshocked expression as me for a while.

After a mildly better night's sleep last night he's certainly in a happier mood - So maybe I may employ some uber painkillers and do some well earned snuggling.

And me? Well, physically I may be falling to pieces, but I'm happily balancing that with that promised smile. DH being more openly affectionate has me melting into his arms without a second thought. And then there's also the permenant set of butterflies in my tummy and this tingly glow in my head. I've moved into this fuzzy place in my head where mentally I'm being held onto tight with the occasional kiss on the top of my head. This is a good place. It feels nice to feel at ease like this. From it's current sources, love is.... unconditional.