The most obvious one is professional - what is it that I actually want to do? Do I want to stay in the same development area I'm in now? Probably not. This is a great starter job - I have creative licence and plenty of space to absorb and learn. But where this job is very much a broad range of skills, I would like to specialize later.
Perhaps in deciding what changes I do want to make I need to evaluate the areas of my life:
As a housewife and stay at home mum, I suck. We know this. My current few days a week when I am in charge of our clan of miniature demons aren't the happiest days for anyone involved. Let's face it, it's probably better for them to have a happier mum who works while they destroy nursery rather than a full time mum who is rapidly losing the will to live. Don't get me wrong, I love them more than anything, but the harsh fact is that I am not a people person and as a mumsy type I fail. To top it off, my ability to simultaneously entertain the small people, clean the house and be pretty for my husband is severely lacking. It's a good job DH is a bit of a new man ;)
Then there is my mildly geeky tendencies. Now here I feel most at ease with myself. I know that software is my area and I'm good when it comes to training and interface design. Perhaps it's the amount of introspection, but I can see how people will use something (or not). My happiness in being a mushroom possibly exasperates my issues above around being a housewife. Where the idea of coding quietly in the dark gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, having a full day of 'why...' and 'did you know' and 'mummy mummy mummy mummy...... mummy.... WHAT!?!... that man has a hat', while I wouldn't give it up for every penny on earth, just leaves me frazzled and clinging onto the ceiling like a petrified cat.
And relationships? Well, I guess I'm not just talking being in love here, I think this bit is all a mesh of my connection with people outside my head. There's DH - my lifeboat in the raging sea of my head. When we first met he was my 'big scary boyfriend', my protector, the man who could wrap his arms right around me and keep me safe from everything. And now - he's the stability in my life, my sense and reason, and to balance it out he's also the one who makes me laugh until I can't breath, he's the one who inspires me to learn more (if only out of a weird sense of competitiveness). I put a line in my wedding speech that was possibly the most open statement I've ever made in public: "When I was little, my mum told me to marry a rich man. In marrying I have done just that; he is rich in humour, love and kindness which to me make him the richest man I could wish for".
And yet there are more massively deep connections via and through DH. I have DT who represents the fun side of life. DT is wonderful for being excruciatingly silly with, but when it comes to life decisions or emotion, it just won't happen. Trust is available when the notion of judgement is not an issue - here I know I will be judged and found wanting. So what of DC? DC is the epitome of what I imagine I should be - she is the image of how I wanted to be as a mother and I can't even be cross with her for it as she's such a lovely person (grrrr). She's one of the precious few trusted ones, and despite her recent journey up the pole and out of the hole she's still there sending notes by paper aeroplane down to me. She'd never believe it, but I see her as one of my most 'normal' friends, which either says that she's closer to normality than she reckons or the rest of my friends are indeed f***ed up lol. DC also manages to be the princess that I want to be - she is able and willing to have moments of reckless abandon that would make me wince. Now with the release of the chain that has been around her ankle for so long she is able to shake her wings and watching her fly is a beautiful thing.
DP is also in my list. He's been there for both DH and I through thick and thin. When DH messed up, it was DP who was there in an instant offering a shoulder and creating a list of expletives to describe DH for me. It was him who made an impromptu speech at our wedding and made me weep. He is a good man. One of the few.
I guess I left DF & DM to the end. Oh god this is complex. Possibly because of the short space of time in which I have known them, but despite this, they may in fact know more about me than anyone else with the exception of DH. Ok - DM, marvelous man, someone able to make me dissolve laughing like DH and in fact DH's alter ego, even down to choice of clothing which frankly just disturbs me. From the off I could see why DF married him. I've witnessed or received a couple of instances of, not emotion, but statements of emotion (one of which was when I got brave and showed he and DF my original blog posts) and these serve to place him in that rare category of good men and someone I hold a deep affection for. And DF, well if there was actually anyone who was mentally more similar to me, I would question their genetics. Except, I can see her every good point (even if she ferociously refuses to see any of them). DF and I made this strange connection which allowed me (and her I guess) to open up entirely without feeling the need to sugar coat anything. Not only did we manage this emotional thing, but were able to fall to pieces in giggles after way too much sugar (and even prior to it), ewven the crappest joke or innuendo left us sniggering. We may live bloody miles apart, but somehow over a short space of time we managed to develop an ability to pick up non-verbally on how each other was feeling. And in massively drastic contrast to every other area of my life, when I felt nervy or slightly sad and a hug was offered I didn't panic and run or feel like my bubble had been invaded, but accepted contact happily. Much like DH, I am able to just be me around her (and DM too) - it's an unusual trait. I didn't feel the need to please, just accepted. It was perhaps for this reason that I allowed myself a rare moment of childlike emotion and let tears actually fall as we returned home.
So what does that tell me? umm... I need to be a better parent or just give in and work full time lol. Perhaps that where I am now really isn't much cause for concern. Not really much to change, and in cases of severe introspection questions of 'what if' shouldn't be asked because 'what is' is really rather good.
What started out as a rational post has actually been a little emotional, but perhaps I ought to quote from a fellow blogger: emotion should be taken like chocolate cake: little and often.
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