Blank Girl

Yesterday's post was one of many undertones. I made a promise to be honest. So here it is - I'm maybe not as ok as I made out. Yesterday was less of a statement more a goodbye, except life still goes on. Maybe it was a mental goodbye to the mask. I am frustrated, and as a general rule don't like the whole swearing thing, but today I will make and exception and I apologise in advance.

If we're being honest, I want a hug. Not just a quick cuddle to make me feel better - I want to be held for no other reason than the feeling of being close. Not a sexual thing, not because of anything, but just becuase the feeling of having our arms wrapped around each other is the most natural thing in the world.

I am so f***ing frustrated at being stuck in one place having to rely on DH for everything. I feel useless and a massive burden. It affects the kids, poor DH is run ragged and all I seem to do is appear miserable. DH mentioned that he wants some time out over the weekend - this is seriously fair enough. He's taken over a lot this week. I feel terrible that my first thought was to wonder why he didn't want to spend time with me and that I didn't want to be left alone again. I know why - I've been at home all week with just the laptop for any communication with the outside world except for when DH comes home, by which point he's shattered or up for nookie, which in this state is sadly lacking. So I am utterly useless and lets face it, lonely. I just haven't told him. I don't know how without making him feel guilty. How am I meant to express this emotion when I know it's going to upst someone? That was always the point of hiding it. I need to go back to work, without a purpose I just cease to be.