After last night's interesting late night post, I lay in bed wondering if actualy what I'm doing is a self perpetuating cycle. Am I miserable because I'm thinking about being miserable, then because I feel miserable, thinking about it? Perhaps the only difference between people who are depressed and the people outside of the hole is that the people outside have just come to terms with the fact that sometimes life just sucks and they deal with it. Perhaps the only reason for being down the hold is that that little girl is still in my head and she still dreams about being a fairy princess - when in fact, life on a daily basis just is. No, you can't go to the ball, there's too much to do. And prince charming, well, he turned out to be a bit of an arrogant shit actually, and settling down with the farmhand was a far better option, much more in common, and more options for rolling around in the hay lol.
Romance as Holly sees it is a dead fish in the water. Flouncing about being a princess is unrealistic and perhas the part of me that still dreams about being a princess is just bitterly dissapointed that 99% of life is actually sweeping up cinders.
But then look at it from Hols point of view - prancing about like a princess is all well and good. But if you do, then ultimately you're going to end up a wrinkled old queen (and having spent much time in Brighton, I certainly don't want to end up in that state!). Instead why not accept that actually, it's past the age of princess and I'm of an age where I can accept myself as a wanton sex thing and it's becuase I'm a woman who know what she wants (outwardly) and that's acceptable. I can do the office thing with skirt skimming my thighs and stockings up to my armpits. Or I can just accept the fact that I am capable of turning on and being turned on and not finding it out of character or wrong. Perhaps I ought to just accept that now hurtling towards 30, out go the fairy tales and in comes the porn. Women are meant to peak sexually in their 30's, and even if it does mean accepting my MILFness, I'm going to bloody well embrace it and enjoy every minute.My dissatisfaction can be termed thusly: Life is a Big Mac. The picture looks really tastey, but in reality, though it tastes quite good, it's processed, luke warm, and the lettuce has gone a bit limp (no euphemism intended!)
1 comment:
I have been following your blog for some time now and some significant parts of your story resonate deeply with me. I have chosen to comment on this blog rather than your most recent (or anyother for that matter) as you appear to have almost come to the same comclusion that I did some years ago.
The misery cycle IS self perpetuating. After a while it becomes familiar and safe, happiness is alien and scary and you have convinced yourself that you're not worth it - that you don't deserve it - that you don't want it. Deep down, inside the walls, under all of the layers of projected calm you actually like it.
I was there myself, reveling in my self doubt, subconciously ensuring my own failure. Inner child and projected adult forever seperate and held in place by bonds of iron - caged, frightened and alone.
I was however greatly saddened to read
"Perhaps the only reason for being down the hole is that that little girl is still in my head and she still dreams about being a fairy princess - when in fact, life on a daily basis just is."
This is perhaps the most profoundly inverted statement that I have ever read.
I can only comment from my own experience and, obviously it may not be welcome. But the risk of perhaps helping another lost soul, adrift and desperately clinging to the wreckage of their sanity is worth it, so here goes.....
It is the inner child which will save you not which condems you.
Have you ever stopped to ask 'why can't I be a princess today?' or 'who is stopping me getting what i want?' Obviously none of us can live in the fantasy forever (unless we're stupidly rich - or perhaps just stupid)but an hour or two a day dosen't hurt.
DH quite clearly would be happy to let you be a princess but it seems that as he can't empathize with your feelings he doesn't know how to bring it out of you. I could however, be completely misjudging him and if so I apologise.
What I have found and, in talking to others with similar emotional issues they have agreed, is that the child and adult have to be sybiotic. They cannot function completely as seperate entities. The time for being a child is not gone - it is never gone! no matter how aggressively someone tries to remove the child it will never be gone, it will still be there, waiting. The child is there to make you laugh at fart jokes, to make you cry at a sad film, to make you shout and stamp your feet when you don't get the new shoes that you want. These may seem shallow, simple things but then happiness itself IS shallow and simple. The sun shining is only a small thing but it makes me happy. In my youth - as a goth - I used to believe that I preferred rain and grey clouds, it turns out that I was wrong. That's the last thing that the child is for, being wrong. I found that as soon as I could openly admit my mistakes rather than carrying them around as self doubt I felt free of it. I still doubt myself don't get me wrong but I also believe in myself, deep down, under it all I know that I am bloody good at stuff and if I'm not I can get better at it with practice!
The adult is a calming, steady hand. Guiding, not leading the child through the world of men. It stops me sticking my tounge out at my boss while he's looking but allows me to once he's gone. It stops me buying a new motorcycle on my creditcard just becouse it's pretty. But as a caring, nurturing parent it encourages me to do things which scare me and picks me up when I fall and bump my knee. But when my adult gets scared (bills, mortgage increases, my children going to school for the first time) the child just takes his hand to lead him through the new 'adventure'.
So, in summary:
Be a princess! if someone says you can't, just stick your tongue out at them and stick your fingers in your ears singing 'laa, laa, laa'.
You don't deserve to be happy because you're special, you deserve to be happy because you're alive dammit!
Happy people are not always shallow, but shallow people are almost always happy.
Live long, find yourself and enjoy your family. The past is gone and cannot be changed but you write your own future so write it well.
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