Masking Tape

I'm getting better right? So why is it that I find myself totally unable to settle and blogging at 1am just to get some peace?

Better is a state of mind. I got a message from someone this evening asking me if I was actually enjoying myself or putting on a brave face. Truth is the only way I managed to get out of the house was to use the 5htp as a bolster for some confidence. I took a few and felt ok - I could chat to people and they helped me feel like I didn't need to be self concisious. I wasn't worried and I could actually focus on the conversation.

I thought I did a remarkably good impression of a human being for most of the evening and actually started to really relax and enjoy myself. There were points where cracks in the mask started to show and just as people noticed, I got the masking tape out (just in time too). At one point the conversation led into what consitutes as rape - and the Helen Mirren story. It was all very jovial with the 'haha are you using this as a projection' to the guy who started it. I suddenly found myself in the center of people discussing quite off hand the one subject that makes me go cold. People were actually laughing about how ridiculous some cases were. It was like being in a dream sequence where all these overdone people float past your head mocking you.

Someone noticed my lack of involvement and mentioned I'd gone a bit sour - ah ha time for some masking tape methinks......

After the meal (at which I watched DH visibly relax - it was lovely to see him just chilling out and having fun with all his old college friends), they decided to head off to a pub. I was damn well going to be brave - knowing full well that the ex was going to be working somewhere tonight I pulled my socks up and just got on with it. Turns out he was on the door of the pub opposite us. I could feel my stomach flip (especially as I know they tend to switch pubs regularly) - we got into the pub which was packed and the guys went up to the bar. I escaped upstairs to the loo, always a good excuse for a girl ;) and hid for a few minutes in a cubicle. I told myself to pull it together and everything was ok. I send a very bland message to DF just saying hi - tbh it was 'hi' roughly translated as 'oh god please invent a teleportation device and get me out of here'. Looking back that just seems really very selffish as it was the first time DH has been out with everyone in like ever. And all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock.

After I got backdownstairs, I installed myself in a chair making sure I had people i knew in front and behind of me. THen I got back to relaxing.

Not so bad really.