The Truth And Nothing But The Truth

I'm going to make an attempt at a mildly intelligent analogy. It's far too easy to make a sweeping statement that you feel like a black hole and you're sucking the world in with you, but before any such massive statement is made, perhaps a little forethought is required.

As a link of note - I've taken the myres briggs test more times than I care to remember. Each time with the same result: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

A black hole by definition is a region of gravitational pull so strong that not even electro-magnetic particles (or light as the rest of us noobs know it) gets sucked in. As an analogy that works rather well for my darker moments, this seems to fit - moments like yesterday seem to engulf all of the progress made and suck everything into them turning them invisible. But a black hole is not in fact black - it is devoid of all colour. The only thing which serves to bring notice to it's darkness is the brightness around it. In which case darkness where there is gloom all around appears less extreme than in cases where it surrounded by light.

I wasn't sure today whether I should actually put down in black and white what the wibble was about. But having done some soul searching, the point of this is to get out the crazy, not write worrying that a few people may read this and get offended so holding back. The wibble had been approaching all week. I've spent time this week considering where I lay in terms of those around me. I'm sure others have read my blog and walked away with words to the effect of 'good grief, what a self absorbed procrastinator' and it's been a lesson in realizing that maybe no matter how much I open up, maybe some people won't actually ever understand where I'm coming from.



I've tried to take advice from a few of the people who read this and have offered advice. Some advice has stuck, like keeping a few 'princess moments' for myself - this has maybe relived the guilt of feeling a little selfish sometimes. And yet from others, I can't seem to sit right with their theories. I will admit that shallow people often appear happy, and maybe they really are. Except I'm not shallow. No matter how hard I try to be, it would just be a mask. I'm trying to walk away from being something I'm not and the person who I actually am deep down cares deeply about how people feel, has a need for approval, wants to make things better, listens to music that touches her so much it makes her cry, berates herself for not doing enough for everyone. There's more to me than computers and shoes.


More than anything recently I've wanted to believe in people. Some people have fuelled a belief that there are other people out there who are also capable of occasionally taking off all the armor they've accumulated over the years and standing open and venerable to whom instead of the expected new scar, I hope I've added some salve to the wounds. And in return I have also allowed myself to be seen stripped bare of all protection. This state, while with some has been a way of closing old wounds and reducing them to old scar tissue has left me open for people to unconsciously create their own scars. It was for this reason that I decided to return to a semi permanent masked state.


I'm not sure that I've explained anything at all there. Without deleting that, try again, actually say what I mean. And without beating around the bush for a change.



DT has wandered off into her life, physically around more as she drops her life to help me out but she is royally dumped upon from a great height by her partner's ex and copes admirably. Here I will not lay my mind on her as, despite the fact I know she's got some broad shoulders there. There remains the fear of judgement and I'm not ready to be judged.



Hollow (and I have an idea of who you are btw, I'm not sure if this was intentional or not) continues to provide philosophical debate and he leads me to question whether if you dress up the word sad with many extra syllables, is it not the same feeling only with more intellectual flare?


DC (and here I mean no offense, but I need to let out the crazy), well shiny happy people often confuse me. Our conversations have moved from the mundane to the downright obtuse. Any subject requiring thought or in depth analysis is off the menu as firstly she's currently off with the shiny faeries and we differ in our opinions quite wildly. This is not to say I don't think she is a lovely heartwarming person, I am just aware that perhaps we are chatting behind a curtain trying to avoid all the touchy subjects and appear to have an aura of pleasantness. This doesn't sit well with me, I'd just prefer people to state their actual opinions - there's nothing wrong with having a differing opinion if you accept that other people may want to state their own. If anything, it does people good to discuss why it is that they think another way. It's like trying to dress up a mangled old tom cat in a cute hat - see that look? there I am.


Following on from Graduation where my mother decided she was too busy with her VIPs to come take a family picture, I've accepted that my parents live in a state of denial and have distanced myself a fair bit.


With this on my mind, Tuesday was ended with me worrying about DF having a dip. More than anyone, DF has been a mildly bemused spectator to my emotional rollercoaster and has been given all area access to my weird little mind. In previous 'moments' she has listened to me and let me work out the stepping stones while stumbling over her own with a fair bit more grace and dignity than me. Tuesday, she was untying a lace that had got caught up. Sometimes people can be very stubborn and by combining this with a few hormones, what was a message of insulation became one that was misinterpreted as, well if we're calling a spade a spade, rejection of friendship (I did say I had a weird little mind, and maybe am just waiting for people to come to their senses). Having made laid myself open over the past weeks to various, this became the focal point of all of the above.

It was in fact a combination of everything that had created the dip, but I focused it on this one sole idea that I had allowed myself complete openness and venerability which in my mind at that point had been left back alone to ponder itself was a difficult one. I am aware of the feelings that I may stir up from admitting all of this and I'm really sorry. I'm slightly more concerned to admit that for the first time in over three years I cried myself to sleep.

Before you embrace any sort of reaction my dear reader, consider this - why am I writing this today and not yesterday when the feelings of self doubt were at their height? It is in fact because there is a moral to this story:

Crying about being emotionally hurt is a positive step. Emotion released, and it served to remind me that perhaps a part time mask is a general requirement. DC is happy, who am I to deny her that? Perhaps the problem is in fact mine - it is me who misses my old friend who openly shared her thoughts with me and prior to my little escapade had never offended. And as for DF, we spoke at length and realised that perhaps we share the same fears about being wounded if we let our guard down. I won't put the mask back on in this case, but maybe we'll accept that the stepping stones are easier if we stop each other wobbling sometimes. Funny how these things happen. So I'll leave you on the wise words passed onto me by someone who knows:

Worry is like a rocking horse - it never gets you anywhere