Deeper Recesses

In my current floaty state of feeling pretty stable, I figured I was probably strong enough to tackle the longest running theme of my life.



Food. We need it to survive, but with me it's not just for survival. At times it's the enemy, other times it's the only way to feel better. The self harm was something that started when food reentered my life in normal quantities. Although there have been moments when the two went hand in hand.



Perhaps it's this week being stuck at home having not been shopping that's reminded me my capability to function perfectly well without the stuff. Yes I've been hungry, but actually i've noticed over the week a few areas have shrunk a bit and I used to relish the feeling of hunger - if I was hungry, that meant I was definately losing weight. Yes I've shrunk a bit over the past few weeks while I was trying to get into the graduation dress and I've eaten normally once DH is at home. This act of shrinking is a familiar feeling and after yoyoing for so many years I'd like to find a level where I can stop feeling the need to shrink. I thought I'd found a happy plataeu, but the wobble still makes me cringe.



Maybe a little background would help you my dear reader understand why this is such an issue. As a child I was a bit of a twig, there's nothing unusual about that. At the same time as starting high school I met my first boyfriend. Here lies the moral of why young girls need so badly to be taught about the difference between love and physical affection. Within weeks of starting high school, this first boyfriend was to become a rather more memorable first. I know now that there was no emotional love between us despite what may have taken place physically. I was indeed dropped like stone. Following this I was convinced that I did not measure up to his new (and much older than I) girlfriend. My way of becoming more attractive was to become more striking - people often mentioned that I was a twig, and this is where it started. I stopped eating main meals, had 'already eaten' when I got home and if all else failed hid any food i was given until I could dispose of it. My teenage diet consisted mainly of a small chocolate biscuit and honey in the evening to maintain sugar levels (which explains why I dislike honey now!!).



This became my mission in life - to be strikingly thin, then people would notice me. And certainly once I hit the much coverted size zero (or what was back then freakishly thin) I received much attention from admirers. With hindsight, maybe that didn't help. When I was at my most determined I dropped my weight to just over 5 stone (5, 1.5 to be very accurate), after I started eating again it crept up until I was over 11 stone (where I was not happy), thing is from here I had realised that eating was a way of making me 'better', so I did and ballooned, although enjoying the food was mixed with guilt which is where the various forms of purging began.

When I met DH I was on a downward weight thing and was dropping about 3/4 lb a week managing this by eating only a yohurt and mints. I thought I looked good at that point and it was a time when I had a lot of fun and was maybe a little irresponsible.



After the kids, my body has once again changed. When I look in the mirror, from waist down, this just isn't me. When I drop weight I start to look a little like me again. My arms are returning to normal and I can see my collarbones again. This will never spiral like it did before. I just won't let it, mainly because I never want my girls to see me struggle with my weight as I watched my mother desperately trying to maintain a size 10 through any means possible, but quietly perhaps I do want to be striking again.