Perhaps I want to proove that things maybe aren't as bad as they may seem in black and white. When written down my thought are a little scarey, much safer that they are boxed away and people continue with their illusion that I'm coping, if a bit quirky.
So as proof I'm making a list of times when I fould an island. When it all went away.
Technically harder than it seems...
Last night, sitting on the sofa with Tom, being held tight.
A similar moment last weekend
Not being able to sleep last night and creeping around the house to see my people all curled up looking at total peace
Sitting in the car one morning this week and just taking in how pretty the castle looks in autumn and wishing someone a sunny day
Little islands of calm in my storm. Even a minute where there's momentary confirmation that my feeling of being alone at sea is just in my head and I can close my eyes and smile is enough to break the clouds for a while. It's not all bad.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Friday, 21 November 2008
Ribbon On My Wrist
Ok so when you initially ask for help, you're generally asked to fill in a questionaire where you score statements from 1 to 4 on how accurate they are. There's more to it than just scores though. So I thought instead I'd tell people the truth about how things are in my head recently by answering each question in my own words seeing as I've migrated inwards.
1. I feel downhearted, blue, and sad.
Well, I've been writing the blog for three months now so the chances are this is pretty accurate. Except blue and sad doesn't cut it. When the sad takes hold on occasions it's more like a void. One blog described it best, it creeps up on me quietly then hits and becomes a big fucking black hole.
2. Morning is when I feel the best.
I can't tell when I feel best. Some mornings are happy, others I wake up and immediately wish I hadn't. In the same was the evenings pass with no regulality - some evenings I want to snuggle and be loved and others I want to crawl under a rock where no-one can find me. If there is any regular occurance then mid morning is most likely when I'll slip into twitchy mode and lose track of everything and everyone in my attempts to be productive, my head tingles. And mid afternoon is pretty much a guaranteed downward to a degree, when I'm at home without the distraction of being a mushroom, this is the point when things sometimes seem at their worst.
3. I have crying spells or feel like it.
I didn't. It was more like I couldn't. But I felt like it - sometimes I feel like crying just out of pure frustration that I can't just function like everyone else. Sometimes it's because the world as a whole just scares me and I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and make it all better.
4. I have trouble sleeping through the night.
Nope. Not me - not unless you count the kids. If anything it's all I want to do.
5. I eat as much as I used to. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
I eat. I like food. I don't like what it does to me. And it's more like food apathy - I'll eat if it's there and I don't have to do anything with it. I'll make an effort to make sure the kids eat healthily, I just can't be bothered to feed myself, that and having been so apathetic about eating, I quite like the after effects.
6. I enjoy looking at, talking to, and being with attractive women/men.
Again, so dependant! Yes, depending on who it is. People I'm close to, absolutely, random strangers absolutely not. I don't like people and my dislike of being near new people has just intensified recently. I feel utterly raw and sometimes feel like they can see all of this bleugh on display just by looking at me. It used to feel hidden and now I just feel exposed and I don't understand why.
7. I notice that I am losing weight. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
Surely this was answerd above?! Why am I being asked this again? I've lost some, not intentionally.
8. I have trouble with constipation.
And this is relevant somehow?
9. My heart beats faster than usual.
I don't wear a heart monitor - last time I tried one it increased for a whole different reason lol. Other than that, are you asking me if I'm nervous? Paranoid? Yes, quite possibley. Quite a lot. I panic at the slightest thing. Everything worries me. I fret that I've upset people or that those closest to me are drifting away, and yet I rarely tell them becuase I worry that me being insane will drive them away further (can you see where I'm goin here?)
10. I get tired for no reason.
I've not slept properly in 4 years - there are two reasons upstairs looking rather more innocent than they really are. But yes, I get lethargic, apathetic and generally tired (or just bloody lazy)
11. My mind is as clear as it used to be.
I don't remember ever not feeling up and down like this. This recent crap is just me, but magnified.
12. I find it easy to do the things I used to do.
What did I used to do? Not a lot. Drink I guess. And I can't do that now. But I do much more now, so yes nice and easy here.
13. I am restless and can't keep still.
Sometimes. Sometimes I have to fill every second and can't sit down, but I balance that out nicely ;)
14. I feel hopeful about the future.
I have no actual plans, I'm just sort of seeing what happens. People around me are planning their lives away and I just feel like I'm riding the wave. I can't plan if I don't know what's ahead.
15. I am more irritable than usual.
I'm always irritable. I take after my Dad ;)
16. I find it easy to make decisions.
I don't want to make them - does that count? Recently I'd rather let other people take over the important stuff.
17. I feel that I am useful and needed.
I'm needed. Sometimes I am sure about being wanted, others not so sure. I need reassurance and probably don't provide enough reassurance to the people that I love.
18. My life is pretty full.
Totally.
19. I feel that others would be better off if I were dead.
There are times, yes. This I guess is the biggie. I think about what would happen and it's more the thought that perhaps people would be better off, but they hurt that it would cause would be horrible so better to ride the storm than let other people hurt.
20. I still enjoy the things I used to do.
Does WoW count?
Last word. Things aren't that bad. They've been much much worse. I'm just a bit wibbly while I work out how all this change affects how I can be openly. I just wanted to be honest.
1. I feel downhearted, blue, and sad.
Well, I've been writing the blog for three months now so the chances are this is pretty accurate. Except blue and sad doesn't cut it. When the sad takes hold on occasions it's more like a void. One blog described it best, it creeps up on me quietly then hits and becomes a big fucking black hole.
2. Morning is when I feel the best.
I can't tell when I feel best. Some mornings are happy, others I wake up and immediately wish I hadn't. In the same was the evenings pass with no regulality - some evenings I want to snuggle and be loved and others I want to crawl under a rock where no-one can find me. If there is any regular occurance then mid morning is most likely when I'll slip into twitchy mode and lose track of everything and everyone in my attempts to be productive, my head tingles. And mid afternoon is pretty much a guaranteed downward to a degree, when I'm at home without the distraction of being a mushroom, this is the point when things sometimes seem at their worst.
3. I have crying spells or feel like it.
I didn't. It was more like I couldn't. But I felt like it - sometimes I feel like crying just out of pure frustration that I can't just function like everyone else. Sometimes it's because the world as a whole just scares me and I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and make it all better.
4. I have trouble sleeping through the night.
Nope. Not me - not unless you count the kids. If anything it's all I want to do.
5. I eat as much as I used to. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
I eat. I like food. I don't like what it does to me. And it's more like food apathy - I'll eat if it's there and I don't have to do anything with it. I'll make an effort to make sure the kids eat healthily, I just can't be bothered to feed myself, that and having been so apathetic about eating, I quite like the after effects.
6. I enjoy looking at, talking to, and being with attractive women/men.
Again, so dependant! Yes, depending on who it is. People I'm close to, absolutely, random strangers absolutely not. I don't like people and my dislike of being near new people has just intensified recently. I feel utterly raw and sometimes feel like they can see all of this bleugh on display just by looking at me. It used to feel hidden and now I just feel exposed and I don't understand why.
7. I notice that I am losing weight. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
Surely this was answerd above?! Why am I being asked this again? I've lost some, not intentionally.
8. I have trouble with constipation.
And this is relevant somehow?
9. My heart beats faster than usual.
I don't wear a heart monitor - last time I tried one it increased for a whole different reason lol. Other than that, are you asking me if I'm nervous? Paranoid? Yes, quite possibley. Quite a lot. I panic at the slightest thing. Everything worries me. I fret that I've upset people or that those closest to me are drifting away, and yet I rarely tell them becuase I worry that me being insane will drive them away further (can you see where I'm goin here?)
10. I get tired for no reason.
I've not slept properly in 4 years - there are two reasons upstairs looking rather more innocent than they really are. But yes, I get lethargic, apathetic and generally tired (or just bloody lazy)
11. My mind is as clear as it used to be.
I don't remember ever not feeling up and down like this. This recent crap is just me, but magnified.
12. I find it easy to do the things I used to do.
What did I used to do? Not a lot. Drink I guess. And I can't do that now. But I do much more now, so yes nice and easy here.
13. I am restless and can't keep still.
Sometimes. Sometimes I have to fill every second and can't sit down, but I balance that out nicely ;)
14. I feel hopeful about the future.
I have no actual plans, I'm just sort of seeing what happens. People around me are planning their lives away and I just feel like I'm riding the wave. I can't plan if I don't know what's ahead.
15. I am more irritable than usual.
I'm always irritable. I take after my Dad ;)
16. I find it easy to make decisions.
I don't want to make them - does that count? Recently I'd rather let other people take over the important stuff.
17. I feel that I am useful and needed.
I'm needed. Sometimes I am sure about being wanted, others not so sure. I need reassurance and probably don't provide enough reassurance to the people that I love.
18. My life is pretty full.
Totally.
19. I feel that others would be better off if I were dead.
There are times, yes. This I guess is the biggie. I think about what would happen and it's more the thought that perhaps people would be better off, but they hurt that it would cause would be horrible so better to ride the storm than let other people hurt.
20. I still enjoy the things I used to do.
Does WoW count?
Last word. Things aren't that bad. They've been much much worse. I'm just a bit wibbly while I work out how all this change affects how I can be openly. I just wanted to be honest.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
lucri causa
For the sake of gain. Or in my case piece of mind.
Things must be stored away. Change approaches and private lives must become more private. You can't challenge change when it's for the greater good, but I predict rain. I just have to ride the storm.
Things must be stored away. Change approaches and private lives must become more private. You can't challenge change when it's for the greater good, but I predict rain. I just have to ride the storm.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Ultradian Cycling
Some information to explain why I have been bouncing up and down like a slightly demented yoyo. The past few months have been a bit of a roller coaster with me deciding to let things fly. But to add to this, there has been a return of cycling. For a long time it was relatively easy to hide as first came the children (and the blame lay with hormones.... what a wonderful excuse!) then before that excuse ran out I started Uni where the periods of normality were quite lengthy, manic moments were addressed with coursework and I could throw myself into hours of coursework producing pages upon pages (jokes were generally made that my assignments would be three times as long as anyone else's, but hey, it got me good grades!). But these waves were the reason for my putting so much work in - they gave me an outlet. The not so great moments were there too, but were easily put down to being tired, over-stressed and having issues with tutors.
Now the course is over, and work, although much less pressured than the course doesn't provide me with an obsession to feed my moods. The down feels more empty and the ups have no focus so I flit from one thing to another with no grounding force - this is possibly worse than the downs as the ups take so many forms from euphoria (which is fine when you have an outlet, but not when it's because you cleaned a worktop to perfection) to anxiety so intense you can't breathe and as calm as you try to appear you just always seem 'twitchy'.
A few months back I decided to return to using some medication to lift things a little, but I had to stop these when my hips gave out and painkillers were needed. The combination of painkillers and pills weren't marvelously safe, so pain free became the focus as my mood had stabilized. And while I was out of my tree on painkillers I cared little for my mental state as I wasn't sure if my brain and body were indeed connected. Now I've ceased the painkillers, the cycling has returned with ferocity, and instead of days up days down which I was used to, I was faced with several cycles in a day. I wake up full of the joys of spring and by lunchtime I'm so apathetic it's unreal, then back up in the evening (or any combination you can think). I've been here before, when I finally notice it, it's called Ultradian Cycling and frankly must be awful for those around me. I can't imagine living with anyone in this state! So I got the happy pills back out, and 24 hours after returning to htp & lithium orate I'm feeling more stable than I have in weeks. It's like life in sharp focus again. So instead of harping on about how unfair life is, I just want to say sorry to people around me; I've been a pain in the arse. It's not a miracle cure, but rational is a start.
Now the course is over, and work, although much less pressured than the course doesn't provide me with an obsession to feed my moods. The down feels more empty and the ups have no focus so I flit from one thing to another with no grounding force - this is possibly worse than the downs as the ups take so many forms from euphoria (which is fine when you have an outlet, but not when it's because you cleaned a worktop to perfection) to anxiety so intense you can't breathe and as calm as you try to appear you just always seem 'twitchy'.
A few months back I decided to return to using some medication to lift things a little, but I had to stop these when my hips gave out and painkillers were needed. The combination of painkillers and pills weren't marvelously safe, so pain free became the focus as my mood had stabilized. And while I was out of my tree on painkillers I cared little for my mental state as I wasn't sure if my brain and body were indeed connected. Now I've ceased the painkillers, the cycling has returned with ferocity, and instead of days up days down which I was used to, I was faced with several cycles in a day. I wake up full of the joys of spring and by lunchtime I'm so apathetic it's unreal, then back up in the evening (or any combination you can think). I've been here before, when I finally notice it, it's called Ultradian Cycling and frankly must be awful for those around me. I can't imagine living with anyone in this state! So I got the happy pills back out, and 24 hours after returning to htp & lithium orate I'm feeling more stable than I have in weeks. It's like life in sharp focus again. So instead of harping on about how unfair life is, I just want to say sorry to people around me; I've been a pain in the arse. It's not a miracle cure, but rational is a start.
To Blog Or Not To Blog
I got a bit deep last week. I was having a bit of a dip and I'm not sure I could figure out why.
And yet, today with the rain lashing down outside, my hips aching and the kids ignoring every word I utter, it's not all that bad. I've been rather productive - online shopping done and being delivered later, washing is underway and I've even cleared up the kids room and the hall. DT is coming over in a bit to help me continue with the war against mess, although I'll admit to actually wanting to have a hermit day. I have little interest in the goings on of that group of people at the moment. It's all high drama and cliques - not my thing.
We threw out loads of stuff over the weekend and parts of my house actually resemble something near organisation. I'm attempting a tidy session then shrinking into a corner to wince. Sad, but effective.
And what of the crazy? Actually the moment of sad appears to just be lingering in the background. Not as the old style fury and mass self-destruct that it once was, but as a background lull into apathy. I've become rather insular over the past week or so, slipping into this familiar routine of addressing the things under my nose and becoming forcefully blissfully unaware of everything else. Happiness entails a tidy house, peace at work, a warm bed, love and cuddles. Everything else is pretty much by the by. Credit crunch? Meh, things go in cycles, what goes down will eventually come back up. US President? Well that was rather fun to watch from afar, but the tv show is over now. Mass global terrorism? It's horrific, but there's nothing I can do, and worrying about it won't help.
As a plan it does seem like a good idea, but while I've been insulating, I've also cut out a few people from the head stuff ~ it's not that I want to, instead it's that the apathy has taken a new form and instead of feeling intensely, I feel very little. I have become blank, excepting a few moments. Having let everything fly into the ether, I embraced being a princess. It was great and for a while there I was the highest and lightest I've ever been. Except being a princess isn't viable when in fact fairytales don't exist. I know people may find it sad that accepting life just isn't based on fantasy, but it's not. Life in general is grinding your way through the daily tasks with a reward of a hug at the end of the day to keep you fighting tomorrow. Reality is that life just is. Yes, I'll always dream of being a princess, but dreams are just that unless you're in a disney film. I've accepted reality, and I'll take those moments of love and comfort as an added bonus.
And yet, today with the rain lashing down outside, my hips aching and the kids ignoring every word I utter, it's not all that bad. I've been rather productive - online shopping done and being delivered later, washing is underway and I've even cleared up the kids room and the hall. DT is coming over in a bit to help me continue with the war against mess, although I'll admit to actually wanting to have a hermit day. I have little interest in the goings on of that group of people at the moment. It's all high drama and cliques - not my thing.
We threw out loads of stuff over the weekend and parts of my house actually resemble something near organisation. I'm attempting a tidy session then shrinking into a corner to wince. Sad, but effective.
And what of the crazy? Actually the moment of sad appears to just be lingering in the background. Not as the old style fury and mass self-destruct that it once was, but as a background lull into apathy. I've become rather insular over the past week or so, slipping into this familiar routine of addressing the things under my nose and becoming forcefully blissfully unaware of everything else. Happiness entails a tidy house, peace at work, a warm bed, love and cuddles. Everything else is pretty much by the by. Credit crunch? Meh, things go in cycles, what goes down will eventually come back up. US President? Well that was rather fun to watch from afar, but the tv show is over now. Mass global terrorism? It's horrific, but there's nothing I can do, and worrying about it won't help.
As a plan it does seem like a good idea, but while I've been insulating, I've also cut out a few people from the head stuff ~ it's not that I want to, instead it's that the apathy has taken a new form and instead of feeling intensely, I feel very little. I have become blank, excepting a few moments. Having let everything fly into the ether, I embraced being a princess. It was great and for a while there I was the highest and lightest I've ever been. Except being a princess isn't viable when in fact fairytales don't exist. I know people may find it sad that accepting life just isn't based on fantasy, but it's not. Life in general is grinding your way through the daily tasks with a reward of a hug at the end of the day to keep you fighting tomorrow. Reality is that life just is. Yes, I'll always dream of being a princess, but dreams are just that unless you're in a disney film. I've accepted reality, and I'll take those moments of love and comfort as an added bonus.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
Propaganda May Have It's Roots In Truth Sometimes
I was musing on the way home what to blog about. There have been a few things running through my head that I wanted to mentally delve into and I was sort of composing them as I drove home (essentially to ignore the twangs happening in my back!).
The I got home and opened my post and read a letter which is blatantly propaganda, but touched me. It was one of the things I was toying with and wasn't sure if I really wanted to think about it ever again. I'd mentioned it's passing on here once and decided that that was enough. But it shouldn't be. There are things which affected me deeply and in the tradition of expressing my feelings I'm going to do so.
I know there are a couple of readers who, for them this blog may be painful, and I therefore suggest you don't read it. Not because I don't trust you with the details, but becuase I want to sheild you from being upset while at the same time releasing these issues. This is a part of my past and I need to accept that this happened and that the present is so much better. This is not meant to upset or offend, it's just something I need out of my head and into the ether. So here goes...
The letter I received was from the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children. Unbeknown to most people I am pro-life. Unless there are extreme circumstances, I do not believe that abortion is an option - if you were willing to enjoy the practice, then you should be mature enough to deal with the end result, and if you're not willing to accept the consequences, then keep it in your pants. It's not just a theory, I'm pro-life having accepted the consequences of my own actions. This is my opinion, you may disagree, but I am allowed to believe this.
In the letter was a single quote from Emma Beck, a woman from Cornwall who took her own life after being unable to deal with what she had done. The quote was her suicide note:
"I should have never had an abortion. I see now I would have been a good mum. I told everybody I didn't want to do it, even at the hospital. I was frightened, now it is too late. I died when my babies died. I want to be with my babies - they need me, no one else does."
Except instead of the shock factor that this was meant to inspire in me, what I actually did was relate entirely to what she had written. I regretted my actions, and still do. I too told everyone I could that I didn't want to do this including hospital staff. I begged and pleaded to be allowed to go home and was told I was just feeling nervous and it was probably the hormones.
Agreeing (termed loosely) to a termination not just left mental scars and horrific guilt but left physical scarring in my uterus which when I met DH caused us to lose our first conception at 7 weeks and be told I was unable to carry a child to full term if conceive at all. Proved them wrong though - even if pregnancy was a little fraught.
Let me get really quite honest here. This child that I conceived was not done so in a stable loving relationship which is the ideal, and where our two beautiful girls found themselves, however it was also not a drunken encounter. I can pinpoint the exact day of conception - I know what happened. I've already blogged about my less than wonderful ex. This particular encounter happened after a weekend where he had been clubbing. As was usual for weekends like this there had been a lot of drugs flowing and he'd partaken in all of them. I remember I'd not gone out that weekend, instead had spent the evenings visiting my friend and her boyfriend who led a much more sedate life. So after a weekend bender, there was the usual come down which generally meant a foul mood. It's not like it was a massive surprise, but something happened to spark it off and he lost his temper. Enough said. I suppose he thought it was a way of making up, but I wasn't interested and feigned sleep. By that point I used that trick more in hope than anything else. I remember distinctly saying I couldn't because I'd had antibiotics and the pill wouldn't work and being told to shut up. And spending my floating time up on the ceiling hoping that the pill would be effective.
Obviously, it wasn't. And I ended up discovering I was pregnant and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't want the child. The downside came when breaking the news. At this point it may be worth a confession that I've not made before. I had fallen pregnant like this once before, however an argument served to remove any decision required of me. This time a choice had to be made - and it was his to make as my body was no longer my own apparently. If he didn't want it, it wasn't going to happen. Why did I not shout for help? Well, in my way I did. I told as many people as would listen I did not under any circumstances want a termination, but not why. No-one knew why I was going ahead anyway. I saw no way out of where I was and knew f I left it would be far worse. Instead, I denied that this appointment had been made and even as I was being driven there refused to accept that the doctors would let me go through with it. I was hysterical as they prepared me and begged to be let home, instead they left me in a room with him where I was 'persuaded' to return and do as I was told. I may be able to forgive him for being a violent, drug taking shit, but I will never forgive him for leaving me with this guilt.
Now the people who do know about him and the termination have said it was for the best. That bringing a child into the world in that situation would have been terrible. But how about an alternative? How about if someone had asked me without him in the room if I had free will? How about when they saw me in a gown covered in bruises below the neck, asking if perhaps I needed someone to stick up for me? Or at least asking the obvious question. How about when a year later I wrote an email to BPAS telling them how awful my experience had been, just responding. There was an alternative. If someone had just noticed, I could have asked for help.
What I have now with DH and the girls is amazing and I know maybe would never have happened without what happened in the past, so if nothing else, the good thing to come of this was for me eventually to find happiness with a wonderful man and have the chance to prove myself a worthy parent. I understand why she would want to take her own life, my difference is that I do have people here who need me, they don't lessen the guilt, but they allow me to prove myself a better person than I was back then. Maybe some of this goes to explain why I can't bear to hear either of them cry, and feel the need to randomly hold them even when they wriggle away wiping the kisses off.
The I got home and opened my post and read a letter which is blatantly propaganda, but touched me. It was one of the things I was toying with and wasn't sure if I really wanted to think about it ever again. I'd mentioned it's passing on here once and decided that that was enough. But it shouldn't be. There are things which affected me deeply and in the tradition of expressing my feelings I'm going to do so.
I know there are a couple of readers who, for them this blog may be painful, and I therefore suggest you don't read it. Not because I don't trust you with the details, but becuase I want to sheild you from being upset while at the same time releasing these issues. This is a part of my past and I need to accept that this happened and that the present is so much better. This is not meant to upset or offend, it's just something I need out of my head and into the ether. So here goes...
The letter I received was from the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children. Unbeknown to most people I am pro-life. Unless there are extreme circumstances, I do not believe that abortion is an option - if you were willing to enjoy the practice, then you should be mature enough to deal with the end result, and if you're not willing to accept the consequences, then keep it in your pants. It's not just a theory, I'm pro-life having accepted the consequences of my own actions. This is my opinion, you may disagree, but I am allowed to believe this.
In the letter was a single quote from Emma Beck, a woman from Cornwall who took her own life after being unable to deal with what she had done. The quote was her suicide note:
"I should have never had an abortion. I see now I would have been a good mum. I told everybody I didn't want to do it, even at the hospital. I was frightened, now it is too late. I died when my babies died. I want to be with my babies - they need me, no one else does."
Except instead of the shock factor that this was meant to inspire in me, what I actually did was relate entirely to what she had written. I regretted my actions, and still do. I too told everyone I could that I didn't want to do this including hospital staff. I begged and pleaded to be allowed to go home and was told I was just feeling nervous and it was probably the hormones.
Agreeing (termed loosely) to a termination not just left mental scars and horrific guilt but left physical scarring in my uterus which when I met DH caused us to lose our first conception at 7 weeks and be told I was unable to carry a child to full term if conceive at all. Proved them wrong though - even if pregnancy was a little fraught.
Let me get really quite honest here. This child that I conceived was not done so in a stable loving relationship which is the ideal, and where our two beautiful girls found themselves, however it was also not a drunken encounter. I can pinpoint the exact day of conception - I know what happened. I've already blogged about my less than wonderful ex. This particular encounter happened after a weekend where he had been clubbing. As was usual for weekends like this there had been a lot of drugs flowing and he'd partaken in all of them. I remember I'd not gone out that weekend, instead had spent the evenings visiting my friend and her boyfriend who led a much more sedate life. So after a weekend bender, there was the usual come down which generally meant a foul mood. It's not like it was a massive surprise, but something happened to spark it off and he lost his temper. Enough said. I suppose he thought it was a way of making up, but I wasn't interested and feigned sleep. By that point I used that trick more in hope than anything else. I remember distinctly saying I couldn't because I'd had antibiotics and the pill wouldn't work and being told to shut up. And spending my floating time up on the ceiling hoping that the pill would be effective.
Obviously, it wasn't. And I ended up discovering I was pregnant and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't want the child. The downside came when breaking the news. At this point it may be worth a confession that I've not made before. I had fallen pregnant like this once before, however an argument served to remove any decision required of me. This time a choice had to be made - and it was his to make as my body was no longer my own apparently. If he didn't want it, it wasn't going to happen. Why did I not shout for help? Well, in my way I did. I told as many people as would listen I did not under any circumstances want a termination, but not why. No-one knew why I was going ahead anyway. I saw no way out of where I was and knew f I left it would be far worse. Instead, I denied that this appointment had been made and even as I was being driven there refused to accept that the doctors would let me go through with it. I was hysterical as they prepared me and begged to be let home, instead they left me in a room with him where I was 'persuaded' to return and do as I was told. I may be able to forgive him for being a violent, drug taking shit, but I will never forgive him for leaving me with this guilt.
Now the people who do know about him and the termination have said it was for the best. That bringing a child into the world in that situation would have been terrible. But how about an alternative? How about if someone had asked me without him in the room if I had free will? How about when they saw me in a gown covered in bruises below the neck, asking if perhaps I needed someone to stick up for me? Or at least asking the obvious question. How about when a year later I wrote an email to BPAS telling them how awful my experience had been, just responding. There was an alternative. If someone had just noticed, I could have asked for help.
What I have now with DH and the girls is amazing and I know maybe would never have happened without what happened in the past, so if nothing else, the good thing to come of this was for me eventually to find happiness with a wonderful man and have the chance to prove myself a worthy parent. I understand why she would want to take her own life, my difference is that I do have people here who need me, they don't lessen the guilt, but they allow me to prove myself a better person than I was back then. Maybe some of this goes to explain why I can't bear to hear either of them cry, and feel the need to randomly hold them even when they wriggle away wiping the kisses off.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Memories Past
I know I've done my blog for the day, but perhaps I feel I missed out something which has been dwelling in this bizare litle mind of mine. With preparations for Rememberance Day around me I am made aware of another date which I usually make every effort to forget, but I think for once this year I am going to take the time to remember someone. Death is life coming full circle, and should be expected, but however obvious the signs may be it always comes as a shock when it finnally arrives.
All of us fully expect to lose our grandparents during our lifetime. By our late teens most of our elder generation have passed on. Not in my case. My mother has a full set and my Dad still regularly hides from the chastising phonecalls from his father. And so, for me my rememberance in actual fact falls with a particular person. For most the loss of an elderly family member is an accepted fate, one which saddens us, but leaves us fond memories. One is not expected to grieve their loss for many years as 'they had a good innings'.
So this is why dear reader, I find it dificult to express in a rational sense why the feelings of loss of this particular person still haunt me. I find it externally ridiculous that despite many other confessions, this is the singular blog which has brought me to tears. I feel that I should have accepted this loss as a part of life, except when my Great Grandmother pased away I grieved not only the loss of a grandparent, but that of my singular maternal figure. This seems harsh to my mother and hers. However, as a baby screaming with colic, it was Nanny who would hold me and walk me up and down until I slept; as a young child Christmas did not start until she arrived; when my parents screamed at each other, it would be her who sat me on her lap and talked to me about when she first saw me; I was 'her holly'; it was her who showed me how to press flowers or would take the time to watch me rush about on the lawn or spend frustrated hours teaching me how to knit; it was her who gave me my interest in music, singing old songs to me. It was Nanny who told me about my mum's real dad and how he had died - she explained to me how terrible it was for her and how she carried on because she still had my mum and then me. She accepted open emotion and at the same time showed amazing bravery - I remember spending countless days with her cuddled up being told what it was like when she was little (she was born in 1902), and then during the war when my grandad was born. I remember how soft her hands were even though they were worn and wrinkled. She was a champion knitter and no baby in our family went without some form of knitted object from her - all of these items were lovingly pressed under the seat cusions of her sofa. She read The Sun of all papers and refused to have a bank account, instead storing all her cash in her wardrobe which we found when we had to clear her flat. I remember her headscarves and how she smelt, and how she would wash her hair every sunday in the kitchen sink for either me or mum to set in rollers. I'd taken it for granted that she would be at my wedding, and see my children as they arrived into the world. I guess at that point I thought she would be here forever. She didn't get to see either, but I'm pretty sure she would have approved of the outcome of all three.
Why am I doing all this now? Because 14 years ago, she passed on and since the day she left us I've never spoken out that I have all of these memories. These were mine alone to keep safe. And she should be remembered. When she passed on was the point in time where I learnt to suppress emotion. This only occured to me after much blogging. Don't talk about it because it just upsets people. You don't want to upset people do you? No-one wants to see you cry. Don't be sad. Then other things happened, and instead of telling people, I didn't upset people, I wasn't sad, I made sure no-one ever knew. Well, now they do through here and so this also becomes a safe place for these memories.
But I haven't forgotton, I know this, our first child was named after her for just that reason. I refuse to forget. And I'm doing this now, because next weekend is her birthday and I wanted to pre-empt that day before it hits me and have my short time to remember and accept that I do still miss her and yes that does make me feel sad, and even after nearly more years than I was able to be part of her life, she continues to remain in my memory. So for Charlotte Rosina Edwards, Happy Birthday xxx
All of us fully expect to lose our grandparents during our lifetime. By our late teens most of our elder generation have passed on. Not in my case. My mother has a full set and my Dad still regularly hides from the chastising phonecalls from his father. And so, for me my rememberance in actual fact falls with a particular person. For most the loss of an elderly family member is an accepted fate, one which saddens us, but leaves us fond memories. One is not expected to grieve their loss for many years as 'they had a good innings'.
So this is why dear reader, I find it dificult to express in a rational sense why the feelings of loss of this particular person still haunt me. I find it externally ridiculous that despite many other confessions, this is the singular blog which has brought me to tears. I feel that I should have accepted this loss as a part of life, except when my Great Grandmother pased away I grieved not only the loss of a grandparent, but that of my singular maternal figure. This seems harsh to my mother and hers. However, as a baby screaming with colic, it was Nanny who would hold me and walk me up and down until I slept; as a young child Christmas did not start until she arrived; when my parents screamed at each other, it would be her who sat me on her lap and talked to me about when she first saw me; I was 'her holly'; it was her who showed me how to press flowers or would take the time to watch me rush about on the lawn or spend frustrated hours teaching me how to knit; it was her who gave me my interest in music, singing old songs to me. It was Nanny who told me about my mum's real dad and how he had died - she explained to me how terrible it was for her and how she carried on because she still had my mum and then me. She accepted open emotion and at the same time showed amazing bravery - I remember spending countless days with her cuddled up being told what it was like when she was little (she was born in 1902), and then during the war when my grandad was born. I remember how soft her hands were even though they were worn and wrinkled. She was a champion knitter and no baby in our family went without some form of knitted object from her - all of these items were lovingly pressed under the seat cusions of her sofa. She read The Sun of all papers and refused to have a bank account, instead storing all her cash in her wardrobe which we found when we had to clear her flat. I remember her headscarves and how she smelt, and how she would wash her hair every sunday in the kitchen sink for either me or mum to set in rollers. I'd taken it for granted that she would be at my wedding, and see my children as they arrived into the world. I guess at that point I thought she would be here forever. She didn't get to see either, but I'm pretty sure she would have approved of the outcome of all three.
Why am I doing all this now? Because 14 years ago, she passed on and since the day she left us I've never spoken out that I have all of these memories. These were mine alone to keep safe. And she should be remembered. When she passed on was the point in time where I learnt to suppress emotion. This only occured to me after much blogging. Don't talk about it because it just upsets people. You don't want to upset people do you? No-one wants to see you cry. Don't be sad. Then other things happened, and instead of telling people, I didn't upset people, I wasn't sad, I made sure no-one ever knew. Well, now they do through here and so this also becomes a safe place for these memories.
But I haven't forgotton, I know this, our first child was named after her for just that reason. I refuse to forget. And I'm doing this now, because next weekend is her birthday and I wanted to pre-empt that day before it hits me and have my short time to remember and accept that I do still miss her and yes that does make me feel sad, and even after nearly more years than I was able to be part of her life, she continues to remain in my memory. So for Charlotte Rosina Edwards, Happy Birthday xxx
A Rather Changing Day All Round
Right, bollocks to it, I'm not editing any of this one. I'm just typing and pressing Publish.
Massive events happening across the Globe - US election which deems to be a bit of a historic event. Barak Obama actually won. I'm actually rather impressed. I didn't think the idiot Americans would pull it off, but it seems that they may have possibly outvoted all of the gun toting, cross eyed hillbillies that the media has been interviewing for weeks (before you hunt me down and kill me, I am perfectly aware that not all Americans are like this).
So other than stuff from the other side of the water? Well, today also saw my return to the office, if only for half a day and my subsequent return to stick a hot water bottle on my back and cringe for a while. If we're being rather honest, it was more like get back to car sit down, wince, go home, try not to get emotional at not coping for longer. Meh. It'll take time.
So what of the crazy? Well I've been much focused on getting back to work. All the energy is going into there instead. I'm trying not to think about things as it all seems a bit, well, small and ludicrous compared to the bigger picture. Perhaps this is my small space to let me have some time to acknowledge it. I enjoyed the ranting, so I think I shall continue in that style, so as before to people in general, people I know, and randoms:
I'm not going to hurt myself, I've already learnt the hard way, and that hurt. Rather a lot. I just want to be back to normality!
I'm in pain, I'm not a retard, quit talking to me like one.
I've told you already, LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING (and do as you're asked). I will just bin all of your toys and Santa can deliver you a lump of bloody coal.
Your ex is a psychotic pathological liar bitch queen from hell with no conscience or thought for others - I agree, but if you're not going to take any action and divorce the mad cow then I am not going to listen to you bitch and moan about her.
You there. Yes You!!! You won't get a date unless you get yourself out there. Now go the fuck out and find yourself a proper woman. (I love you btw, and I only say it because you deserve to be happy)
You may accept all the emotional blackmail in the world from your family. But it's going to stop with you. Personally I don't give a rat's arse whether your mother approves of my lifestyle or not. I'm a grown up. Care to join me?
What do you mean you aren't voting for him because you can't say his name - it's even spelt phonetically! People like you should not be allowed oxygen.
Who in God's name gives a child 200g of sugar filled, coated and covered jelly sweets?!??! Or lets them stay up until who knows what time of the night?! For fuck sake people how did your children survive???
Their = possessive There = place How hard is it to grasp just the basics of the English Language? How did you get a degree?! And don't get me started on commas.......
It's pronounced 'Far Hee Taas' NOT fucking 'Faa Gee Taas' - Spanish. Stop being an idiot.
The gelatinous mass of the c-section area is not attractive. When you can call blaumange attractive, get back to me ok?
Why why why must we keep every item of useless crap that you find anywhere ever? You don't play with it. You don't even know what some of it is! Just put the bloody thing in the bin.
Massive events happening across the Globe - US election which deems to be a bit of a historic event. Barak Obama actually won. I'm actually rather impressed. I didn't think the idiot Americans would pull it off, but it seems that they may have possibly outvoted all of the gun toting, cross eyed hillbillies that the media has been interviewing for weeks (before you hunt me down and kill me, I am perfectly aware that not all Americans are like this).
So other than stuff from the other side of the water? Well, today also saw my return to the office, if only for half a day and my subsequent return to stick a hot water bottle on my back and cringe for a while. If we're being rather honest, it was more like get back to car sit down, wince, go home, try not to get emotional at not coping for longer. Meh. It'll take time.
So what of the crazy? Well I've been much focused on getting back to work. All the energy is going into there instead. I'm trying not to think about things as it all seems a bit, well, small and ludicrous compared to the bigger picture. Perhaps this is my small space to let me have some time to acknowledge it. I enjoyed the ranting, so I think I shall continue in that style, so as before to people in general, people I know, and randoms:
I'm not going to hurt myself, I've already learnt the hard way, and that hurt. Rather a lot. I just want to be back to normality!
I'm in pain, I'm not a retard, quit talking to me like one.
I've told you already, LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING (and do as you're asked). I will just bin all of your toys and Santa can deliver you a lump of bloody coal.
Your ex is a psychotic pathological liar bitch queen from hell with no conscience or thought for others - I agree, but if you're not going to take any action and divorce the mad cow then I am not going to listen to you bitch and moan about her.
You there. Yes You!!! You won't get a date unless you get yourself out there. Now go the fuck out and find yourself a proper woman. (I love you btw, and I only say it because you deserve to be happy)
You may accept all the emotional blackmail in the world from your family. But it's going to stop with you. Personally I don't give a rat's arse whether your mother approves of my lifestyle or not. I'm a grown up. Care to join me?
What do you mean you aren't voting for him because you can't say his name - it's even spelt phonetically! People like you should not be allowed oxygen.
Who in God's name gives a child 200g of sugar filled, coated and covered jelly sweets?!??! Or lets them stay up until who knows what time of the night?! For fuck sake people how did your children survive???
Their = possessive There = place How hard is it to grasp just the basics of the English Language? How did you get a degree?! And don't get me started on commas.......
It's pronounced 'Far Hee Taas' NOT fucking 'Faa Gee Taas' - Spanish. Stop being an idiot.
The gelatinous mass of the c-section area is not attractive. When you can call blaumange attractive, get back to me ok?
Why why why must we keep every item of useless crap that you find anywhere ever? You don't play with it. You don't even know what some of it is! Just put the bloody thing in the bin.
But he DID actually sleep with her. The man might be a prat, but he wasn't lying. Just accept that she's a slapper, so is he, but he managed to make a joke out of it first. And let's face it - it was quite funny. And anyone who openly broadcasts themselves online as a Satanic Slut isn't exactly maintaining their appearance of chastity. It's not like she's not making a mint off the back of all the outrage (goodness me, it couldn't possibly be outrage for profit could it?? What will people think of next?)
I'm watching the news...... I know you like cartoons..... I don't know who that man is..... I can't tell you what he's saying if you won't let me listen.... that's the president..... of America..... he's in charge of America....... a long way away...... that's his house........ yes it is bigger than ours........ yes Daddy gets to be in charge at home...... no Daddy is not a president........ I'm watching the news
You chose to date the man. You knew about his past, fuck you were part of it. So why the hell are you bitching at me? Did I ask for involvement? I am not a marriage counsellor. Try confession.
You know what? If you don't like the guinea pig you tell the heartbroken 4 year old she has to give him away. Don't make me the bad person just because you're being a grumpy arsehole.
AND QUIT FUCKING NUDGING ME!
Ahhh that's better.
And for my female readers - none of that was aimed at you xxxx
I'm watching the news...... I know you like cartoons..... I don't know who that man is..... I can't tell you what he's saying if you won't let me listen.... that's the president..... of America..... he's in charge of America....... a long way away...... that's his house........ yes it is bigger than ours........ yes Daddy gets to be in charge at home...... no Daddy is not a president........ I'm watching the news
You chose to date the man. You knew about his past, fuck you were part of it. So why the hell are you bitching at me? Did I ask for involvement? I am not a marriage counsellor. Try confession.
You know what? If you don't like the guinea pig you tell the heartbroken 4 year old she has to give him away. Don't make me the bad person just because you're being a grumpy arsehole.
AND QUIT FUCKING NUDGING ME!
Ahhh that's better.
And for my female readers - none of that was aimed at you xxxx
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Digging Deeper
I edited this post after a bit of thought... it wasn't really fair. Revised:
So yesterday's little rant was met with more acceptance than I was expecting, and a little less paranoia. This is a good thing.
Just mooching through facebook this morning and I came to a realization that I have spent the past 5 years attempting to live up to a variety of women in Tom's past (oh for God's sake, let's just use names, it's not like anyone reads this. DH = Tom). He has this clever trick of being amicable with basically every girl he's ever dated or placed on a pedestal. To a few of them, he was a bit of a shit actually, and yet his misdemeanors have been forgiven. So where I have a handful of people who I'd rather avoid and a couple with more than a little animosity, he has a list of 'friends'. In reality, I should be comforted by the fact that a) I'm his longest ever relationship b) he chose to marry me c) I'm the mother of his children and d) despite the first three we're still stupidly in love
However, despite all of the rational arguments above about why I should feel very comfortable I still desperately try to measure up (in my head) to those that he placed on a pedestal. So let’s look at the line up and give an explanation. It's not that I worry that he'll run off with any of them, it's not that, it's more that perhaps I just don't measure up to the people before me - and for those of you involved, take it as a compliment
Ok, so seeing as I'm bound by OCD, I'm going to tackle each one in turn and explain my fears. That way I might convince myself I'm an idiot.
Ok, so I'm going to tackle the ones that in a rational person's mind could actually be seen as a threat (e.g. the ones he actually dated!!). That seems a good start.
Ok, most obvious I guess is DC. You can't ever compare to someone's first love and let’s face it she's hot and funny and thin. I could be forgiven at this point to be wearing a slightly maniacal grin and be digging a shallow grave, except instead she's also my best friend. The cow had to also be one of the nicest people on the planet. But he would have done anything for her, including following her like a lost puppy through various other reprobates that she dated and holding onto the upset from them breaking up until shortly before we met... yeah like I didn't know that. That makes her sound bad, and it shouldn't as he made his fair share of mistakes too.
So H. I'm probably more aware of her as an ex that anyone as Tom and I knew each other while they were dating. She also has all the trademarks of benchmark for the next girlfriend: she's pretty, skinny as a rake, a socialite, 5 years younger than me, but maybe a little um... what's a nice word for psychotic? Demanding? But other than that, she had top marks in girlfriend ratings.
Oh god. Where do I start with J? Um, ok basically post DC (I think - I get rather confused with the timeline), he lusted after her until, well, well into when we dated. I met her once or twice and instantly could not see it - she's classically pretty and although not gothy in the slightest, is definitely 'his type' even if she is a Roedean girl and utterly off with the fairies on a whole different planet.
Well V is easy to explain - he moved out because he was lusting after her. Then we got together. The stupid git even told H he liked her while they were dating (he nearly didn't survive that!). This is another conundrum - I really like her, she's a real laugh, and lets face it she's possibly the scariest woman on the planet (secretly I reckon that's why some dated her lol)
And then, well DF. This one's no secret, but out of all of the line up DF & DC are the only two I see as still up on the pedestal. But Sam was on a pedestal for a long time and they're still close. With her there's a lot to measure up to, and in many ways I think I probably fall a little short.
So there we have it. The list of people to measure up to. With a couple I'm not so sure I do. I know this is my own little insecurity to work through, but perhaps by actually listing what it is that I feel insecure about, I might start to see that perhaps I am a little irrational? Maybe.
What is it that makes me insecure? In no particular order and in various combinations, with some, it's their undeniable ability to become stick thin with either by not eating or without any bloody effort after having children, with others they're incredibly pretty, others it's because they're intelligent and funny, and others they have a past together. Most of them it's a combination.
Does anyone else see a woman with a statement on her arm she doesn't really believe? I guess if it's on me for life, I ought to start believing it.Eventually, I might believe it, for now I'll accept that I can at least see I look ok sometimes and I'm ok with compliments. They don't make me want to curl up anymore.
I could do with a hug today.
Monday, 3 November 2008
Erm...
Alright time for a post - the last one was a bit of a moment. Except momentS reverberate for a while. I was enjoying being up on the cloud, it's meant to have a bungee rope (what goes down must come up), except I think I forgot to attach the hook to my belt. I'll float back up when the subject is dead and buried I guess. Now, just how to do that.... I guess the time has come to do the express the anger thing, not just over the blip but the stuff that isn't coming out.
I guess I'm taking inspiration from another blogger here, but his rant was rather talented whereas I think mine may in fact just be abusive! Read no further without a stiff drink:
So in no particular order to those people around me, the kids, people I meet, people I know and other randoms:
Why can't you actually say what it is that you mean rather than smile and nod then get all defensive when I carry on? What am I a fucking mind reader? Instead I'm becoming oversensitive and constantly paranoid that I've done or am about to do something wrong. This has to stop, I've lived this life before.
I'm NOT a people person, following me around talking at me incessantly is likely to make my head spin. Can you people not understand I have personal space??? ....... And talking of personal space, when the lights are out, don't come in - I just can't be happy and bubbly all the time, it's just not me. Sometimes I'm busy screaming at people inside my head, if I don't do it silently I may very well go postal, you want to be first? Do you? Huh?
Just because we slept together does not necessarily mean I want to add you on facebook or for that matter ever talk to you again. Perhaps some things are best forgotten eh?
You know what? I still have some things that are actually mine and that you haven't broken yet. Stay the hell away from them. And while we're at it, stay out of the bedroom. And no, you can't have a glass of water now.
Talking of breaking things. It's not fucking acceptable just because you are having a bad day. Do you see me chucking stuff around? No. Get a grip.
Maybe I just want to talk about nothing. But perhaps just perhaps, me saying 'I'm fine ta' means 'for Christ sake give me a hand out of this hole'.
Why must you insist I take it easy then bombard me with requests for decisions. It's the decisions that make me bloody stressed in the first place!
If I state an opinion, then it's MY opinion, you might think it's wrong, but an opinion isn't a statement of facts is it? I might think you're an arse, and I may be right, but it's still my opinion!
When I say something or ask you to do something, for crying out loud, just for once in your life just fucking listen to me! Yes you. If I have to tell you repeatedly for an hour or more, this may indicate that you're not listening, or I'm not getting my point across - I've asked you nicely, how else would you like me to make myself clear? Ad Campaign? Marching Band? A Big Fucking Stick?
Was wasting 6 years of my life not enough for you? Instead you must continue to stalk me like a demented nutcase!? Go find yourself some other poor bastard to upset because YOU DON'T SCARE ME!
No - when I say it, it's the final word. No is a negative it means cease and desist, pack it in, not going to happen. It's not up for discussion, I don't need a reason. It's NO.
When you are sad, it's ok to rant at great length as many times as you want. I'd rather hear the truth than some sugar coated don't upset Holly version or worse nothing said at all.
IF YOU LOSE YOUR DUMMY, DON'T YELL AT ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIND IT!
Oooh get me with my anger issues. So what did that solve? Bugger all really except to make me worry that some people might read this and take it to heart and perhaps highlight that I do get angry, just not to people. That and I have a remarkable ability to swear via keyboard (rather shocked at myself with the language there!). Well that sucks.....
There are moments I think I shouldn't have passed the parent test. Maybe I'm like my mother. Perhaps sometimes I'm just too selfish to give up my life to be mummy. For their sake I need to learn some composure and tolerance. They don't see the frustration outwardly, I learnt that much from my mum. But I worry that they pick up on me being miserable and useless. My only up side is DH and at least they get to see how a relationship should be. They do see affection and DH and I talk, we don't shout at each other. They'll never sit in their room and cry while their parents tear into each other. I just need to work out how to show them how to be happy (and maybe whinge a little less).
Oh and because I worry, for a certain person, the only one applicable to you is the penultimate one :)
I guess I'm taking inspiration from another blogger here, but his rant was rather talented whereas I think mine may in fact just be abusive! Read no further without a stiff drink:
So in no particular order to those people around me, the kids, people I meet, people I know and other randoms:
Why can't you actually say what it is that you mean rather than smile and nod then get all defensive when I carry on? What am I a fucking mind reader? Instead I'm becoming oversensitive and constantly paranoid that I've done or am about to do something wrong. This has to stop, I've lived this life before.
I'm NOT a people person, following me around talking at me incessantly is likely to make my head spin. Can you people not understand I have personal space??? ....... And talking of personal space, when the lights are out, don't come in - I just can't be happy and bubbly all the time, it's just not me. Sometimes I'm busy screaming at people inside my head, if I don't do it silently I may very well go postal, you want to be first? Do you? Huh?
Just because we slept together does not necessarily mean I want to add you on facebook or for that matter ever talk to you again. Perhaps some things are best forgotten eh?
You know what? I still have some things that are actually mine and that you haven't broken yet. Stay the hell away from them. And while we're at it, stay out of the bedroom. And no, you can't have a glass of water now.
Talking of breaking things. It's not fucking acceptable just because you are having a bad day. Do you see me chucking stuff around? No. Get a grip.
Maybe I just want to talk about nothing. But perhaps just perhaps, me saying 'I'm fine ta' means 'for Christ sake give me a hand out of this hole'.
Why must you insist I take it easy then bombard me with requests for decisions. It's the decisions that make me bloody stressed in the first place!
If I state an opinion, then it's MY opinion, you might think it's wrong, but an opinion isn't a statement of facts is it? I might think you're an arse, and I may be right, but it's still my opinion!
When I say something or ask you to do something, for crying out loud, just for once in your life just fucking listen to me! Yes you. If I have to tell you repeatedly for an hour or more, this may indicate that you're not listening, or I'm not getting my point across - I've asked you nicely, how else would you like me to make myself clear? Ad Campaign? Marching Band? A Big Fucking Stick?
Was wasting 6 years of my life not enough for you? Instead you must continue to stalk me like a demented nutcase!? Go find yourself some other poor bastard to upset because YOU DON'T SCARE ME!
No - when I say it, it's the final word. No is a negative it means cease and desist, pack it in, not going to happen. It's not up for discussion, I don't need a reason. It's NO.
When you are sad, it's ok to rant at great length as many times as you want. I'd rather hear the truth than some sugar coated don't upset Holly version or worse nothing said at all.
IF YOU LOSE YOUR DUMMY, DON'T YELL AT ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIND IT!
Oooh get me with my anger issues. So what did that solve? Bugger all really except to make me worry that some people might read this and take it to heart and perhaps highlight that I do get angry, just not to people. That and I have a remarkable ability to swear via keyboard (rather shocked at myself with the language there!). Well that sucks.....
There are moments I think I shouldn't have passed the parent test. Maybe I'm like my mother. Perhaps sometimes I'm just too selfish to give up my life to be mummy. For their sake I need to learn some composure and tolerance. They don't see the frustration outwardly, I learnt that much from my mum. But I worry that they pick up on me being miserable and useless. My only up side is DH and at least they get to see how a relationship should be. They do see affection and DH and I talk, we don't shout at each other. They'll never sit in their room and cry while their parents tear into each other. I just need to work out how to show them how to be happy (and maybe whinge a little less).
Oh and because I worry, for a certain person, the only one applicable to you is the penultimate one :)
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