In Space No-one Can Hear You

Things aren't as shiney today. I just feel sad. It's not for any reason, just because, which sucks. I really need to kick myself out of this as I'm at home with the kids and I will not let them see me like this (although I'm aware I'm probably being a crappy parent today). It ought to be mentioned here that I attempted to adjust dosage of certain things yeterday, and this may just be a come down from the happy shiney state I was in at 2am. I state this now as things are a bit black and I need to pin it down on something.

I'm functioning outwardly as normal. Chatting to people, getting on with stuff. But I'm watching from inside my head. What people can see today isn't what's going on (and that's a horrible step backwards, but I just can't seem to actually say to anyone I'm not ok). Right now what I feel is terribley alone down this hole. I've realized now I don't want to be down here and it doesn't matter how light the cloud of drugs that I'm sitting on is, they're not lifting me any higher today.

It's ridiculous really as I feel like some emo type teenage saying I feel alone (Images of Kevin & Perry here). But that's what it's like. I feel trapped down this hole and I know there's people up there who want to rescue me if I only could tell them how far down I am. Except something stops me from asking them for help. It's like I'm determined to make my own pole, except my idea of a functional pole is made from bendy straws that just won't hold my weight.

In the focus on being better and a more functional person I sort of lost sight of my little girl, now she's hidden somewhere and she's forgotten where she is. I had the tattoo done, so I now have 'Good Enough' tattoo'd on my arm (in arabic, so I don't have to tell people what it actually says - if ppl keep asking, the standard response will become, "it says, Wife No.1"). That was meant to be a statement to myself and I appreciate that. Weirdly, it's been quite a good reminder, but it's not helping the feeling of just sad.

I was chatting to DF last night, ironically in an attempt to make her smile (which in turn has the same effect on me). I nearly came out with a scarey thought of recent weeks, but held back. But I guess this space is all about not holding back and getting the thoughts out even if they are stupid and melodramatic. I said I just want to watch the pretty colours - that was a cover up for a bit of a darker thought. What I meant was is that there are times when I just want my mind to be quiet - I want all these ridiculous thoughts and worries to stop. I'm writing it here so I can attempt to get some peace becuase I remember what happened last time I stopped being able to cope with attempting to deal with too many issues at once, that involved a few too many sleeping pills just to make everything go black (and stop panicking, I'm not going to let history repeat itself - this time is different, I have several people who are brave enough to hear the truth when it gets that bad and will if nothing else let me dissolve and just hug me, plus I have the ability to remove the thoughts from my head onto here.... which I guess is what i'm doing). So for those who do get the miserable treat of reading this (why would you!?!) - I'm not ok. Please help.

I'll work out how to continue. I have to, there are people who need me functional and sorted. Which I guess is the silver lining. So here is the kick up the arse I need - now get off the pc and get on with life.