Sometimes you can talk an issue to death - other times someone comes along and puts stuff into perspective. Today it's worth remembering it's not what you've been through but how it made you feel.
Every moment is new and to live in the moment means accepting how you feel at that moment. The problem comes when you don't know how it is that you feel. When cards are laid on the table and all you feel is numb. Despite appearances, I'm not actually cold and emotionless. Behind the cotton wool layer that muffles out actual emotion, I know I'm hurting from revealing a raw part of me except the self preservation part refuses to let me cry or talk or show anything externally. Dangerous territory - I know this. That's why it's going down in writing rather than tying to find the underneath layer another way. The image of recognising life by seeing the blood run is an all too easy reality to step into. At points of complete numbness, sometimes it's the only way to recognise there's still a person in here.
I remember now the minute I realised why I found Angelina Jolie so attractive (ok off topic...) - it was in Girl Interupted - she actually embraced emotion, didn't care, and had the immortal line 'when is someone going to ask me why it hurts'. Someone recognised it and did, they understood because their pain is worse, and now I'm not sure what to do. DH does miracles, but he's bias and I want to protect him from some of these thoughts. It's in my nature to put my stuff back in the box and be the savlon on someone else's wounds - except in this case I think it may be mutual.
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