Hello Up There

I've been happily living in this hole for years. I knew the score. The way you live down here is simple, accept it's dark, when you see the people looking down the hole at you you put on the mask and wave back. When they look down the hole they have no concept how deep the hole is and shout their cheery hellos.

Occasionally someone else falls down the hole. They stumble about for a while not used to the darkness, but soon they either find their allocated shiney pole out and leave or they get used to the dark and work out how it works down here. And well, it's always nice to have some company.

Some people ignore their shiney pole out even though it's blatantly there for everyone to see, instead they dig the hold a bit deeper to see whats underneath. This just makes the rest annoyed because they just want a way out. Sometimes the old timers find what appears to be a shiney pole and they start to climb it. They remember what it feels like being out of the hole. Some of us even manage to climb the pole all the way out of the hole and way up higher than anyone else whooping and celebrating the euphoric height. But just as we get ready to jump off the pole and walk with the normal people, we realise that some bastard has greased the pole and we come hurtling back down into the hole again.

I've decided it's time to stab the bastard who keeps greasing my pole and get a shorter pole.

I made an offhand comment today that actually turned out to be mildly profound in how I feel. I was asked a simple question about faith and responded that I just want to be forgiven, but I don't feel good enough to be. Forgiven for what? I don't know. That wasn't me that wrote that response, that was typed by some small child I've locked away inside me. She's not allowed out much - she get's easily hurt and people will hurt her if I don't protect her with this cold, unemotional front I stick up. What people are meant to see is someone who can cope with anything. Throw what you like at me, I don't care. I AM NOT VUNERABLE.

You want to know what she thinks though? (she being my inner child - this is a metaphor people) She wants to be forgiven for whatever it is that she did. Whatever it was must have been really bad for various people when she was younger to have used her for their own purposes and then thrown her away. She must have done something horrible for X to have been so angry with her and want to punish her. She must have failed in some way becuase since she can remember her parents have had such little faith in her and picked up on her every mistake or shortcoming. She tries with all her might to win their approval or at the least some respect, but they're always dissapointed that she didn't turn out quite how they wanted her to. She tries desparately to be all things to all people in the hope that someone might tell her where she went wrong.

DH came along and played with her, we felt safe with him and he is the grown up she wants to save her. She wants him to make it all better.

Then someone else came along and instead of making us feel safe, she managed to blur the lines between me and this little girl. Suddenly, I'm not protecting this child anymore, but I am her. We're not as separate anymore all the time. Sometimes I don't just know how she feels but I feel it too. It's scarey stuff, but it's enough to realise that my little person needs a hug.