What Goes Up, Must Come Down

Fatal physical flaw in this title. Yes, if it went straight up, it would come straight down - but what about when other forces are at work? Think of a rollercoaster, it's a struggle getting up the first bit then the velocity created by hurtling downward at such a pace makes the next climb a bit easier. So in fact, it's what goes up, must come down, but it'll come back up again ;)

I've been going through one of my old diaries - specifically the one I wrote when I was seeing someone about my head (if we're going for total truth here, he was a clinical psychologist and I was marched in there after I decided to go on a bit of a valium holiday - for general reference, opiates aren't the best way to attempt an exit, you fall asleep before you neck enough and frankly waking up while they're being removed sucks). Anyway, I was thinking I'd hated the 6 months I had to attempt to explain my mind to this complete stranger, but seeing as I'm going for self therapy, I might take some of what he said back then on board now.

I wasn't ready to hear what was being said back then, I think I am now, except I'm going to accept the advice from myself this time rather than a pillock with a clipboard. Part of accepting what was going on was to show me my medical notes (at the time I refused to accept that I was in any way depressed... with hindsight, the pills, cutting and little holiday above should have given me a bit of a clue). I think this was meant to shock me into sorting my head out, I just thought they were being over dramatic. Essentially, I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) which sounds really bloody scary and actually after I saw it I refused to go back. My thinking was that if they'd diagnosed me with some scary sounding thing they could drag me back into the hospital and leave me in that weird catatonic state I'd been left in before. So I started the great hiding of my mind from the public in general. I was not ill. I was FINE.

And now? Now I've done a bit of my own therapy, I made the plunge into researching just what BPD is. And perhaps back then they had a point.

"Today BPD is considered a relatively stable personality disorder and is used more generally to describe non psychotic individuals who display emotional disregulation, splitting, and an unstable self image"

So, I wasn't nuts, I was just a bit unstable. Well, yuhuh!! I'm still not going within miles of a medical person with any of this. Firstly, it's true - the drugs don't work, and also I'm not having the label stuck on me. Weirdly, the one thing that I'm trying to shake off to make myself feel better (the self consciousness of 'what will people think') is also the driving force behind me not letting go emotionally and keeping that stiff upper lip. Why don't I cut anymore? It's not because I don't feel the need to, I sit there digging my nails into my hands because if I resort to the old habits, the girls are going to witness a mum openly not coping, DH just looks like his world has fallen apart when I do and I've failed in my mission if I do - 'normal' people just don't do this kind of thing, and I'm trying really hard here to be a 'normal' person.

So what stage am I actually aiming for? What is the goal for all of this? I've caught glimpses of it recently. I'm accepting myself as a person - there are moments I will accept that I have a valid contribution to make and I am capable. That was possibly what going back to college and getting a degree was about - with Computing, I chose a subject that proved to people (me) I had a brain.

Certain people said at the start that I'd get bored and would never complete it, so I reckon out of spite I chose to specialize in programming and passed every assignment from start to finish with a distinction. And for some reason, despit the evidence, I'm still not convinced I'm that good at it. Perhaps what I'm aiming for is a feeling of being at peace with myself. I'm getting there. The ups are more frequesnt and longer lasting than the downs, and the ups aren't quite so high anymore, which means the downs aren't such a contrast and there's not as far to fall. The ultimate goal would be to have a stright track, but I think for now perhaps going on a smoother track is enough.