Not Alone

There are days like today when I get reminded that i'm not on this journey through my mind alone. Most days I know I can stretch out my fingertips and know DH's will touch mine. There are days where I lose my resolve and just sit in the quicksand waiting for it to swallow me. And then there are days like today where I empathise with someone else's pain.

That sounds terribley wrong but actually i've discovered recently that other people who have been there can occasionally make you recognise or even address the lumps swept under the carpet. Occasionally it takes someone else festering in the darkness to take your hand and help each other climb out of the hole.

It's not that other people don't want to help. And give him his due, DH is amazing and has given me the space to heal a lot of wounds. There are just some things that he will never understand without having been there.

There's also the minor problem that he caused a few of them. By cheating before we got married, he knocked a massive hole in my self esteem and created trust issues we'd never had before. I'm done punishing him - he's sorry and he is forgiven. And it would be no relationship if I held onto it, and I would never throw it back at him. But I want to let the paranoia go. Weirdly, our little journey into fantasy land with those who shall be named as DF & DM has alieviated some of the paranoia. We discussed some very personal fantasies and seeing his addressed my worries of what he was thinking. Now there's irony for you!

And as for mine, well it's glaringly bloody obvious i'm not done with the girl thing. The thing is to start talking to someone like that i've had to let my guard down. Sex to me is not, nor ever has been, just a physical thing. It gets inside my head and to get any form of pleasure it has to be an emotional thing too. At which point I have to decide whether to let my guard down and let these people in emotionally. That's scarey. You trust someone with the innermost recesses of your mind, you're opening yourself up for a world of pain. Even just through verbal communication, do I risk forming an emotional attachment to at the very least DF which may or may not be happening from the other side and even if it is, how dangerous is that? Am I risking not just my emotional stability but other peoples? Laying things on the table is a dangerous game - rejection stings when your self esteem has been shrunk in the wash.

I'm torn between staying inside my emotional bubble with just the odd confession to people who are close (this is by far the safer option - you can't push my buttons if you can't see them) or, telling certain people this blog is here which lets them know they're not alone either and confesses all, but kicks a great big hole in the wall I put up. I don't want to be alone in my head anymore - I just think my gremlins will scare people away and then I really will be alone.