99 Red Balloons

With each post I am metaphorically releasing the stuff I'm holding onto. I'm tying it to a balloon and releasing it into (cyber)space.

I've released a lot of things that happened way back when, and there are still some more recent things that need to be laid totally to rest. If anything this will probably be the hardest post to handle both writing it because it's easier not to go into it and also because the fallout from it involves those closest to me. I think the point is, this is not about punishing anyone, but just stating what happened and letting it all go.

I'm not even sure that it affects me that much anymore. I do know that the fallout from it meant my ability to trust anyone was dented and while repaired, it's still fragile. And from hereon in, let's go for straight talking, I'm not apologising for being honest, but I'm sorry if this is a bit too honest. This is not meant to damage DH's reputation or make people think less of him - this is stuff that happened, and I think the moral of the story is that people make mistakes, it's not the mistakes that matter in the end but actually what you do to make thins better in the end.

Thing 1 was 8 months old. I'd been barricading myself inside my head and doing my usual bubble coping. We were stuck in a flat and DH found himself stuck with a blank girlfriend and screaming baby. I know this all sounds like excuses, but the point is that there were reasons for the next 2 months. The first thing was that DH started talking about people at work, but instead of the usual suspects, one name kept cropping up. He kept mentioning that things had got a bit suggestive, but that's all it was. I thought nothing of it. Then I picked up his phone totally by accident (we had the same model, it wasn't hard to confuse them) and saw these text messages. The ones I saw weren't suggestive, more things like 'you didn't say goodbye, I'm hurt'. I confronted him with them feeling my whole body going cold and he admitted he'd been stupid and had been texting her and had to tell me something. I remember sitting with him on our sofa as he told me that the eve he'd been working late, he'd actually gone up to see her in her office and they had kissed. I think I was expecting so much worse and even though it felt like I'd been stamped on I tried to make it better and said it was okay as long as he broke contact with her. (and writing this post now sucks, as he's just been told he's off out on business today... trust is totally rebuilt now, but bad coincidence!!!)

We carried on walking on eggshells for a few weeks, but then I noticed they'd carried on texting. I think out of sheer self preservation, I blamed her and sent her a few choice texts of my own, A few days later DH sat me down (we were just about to eat and were watching friends), he told me he wasn't happy and that it was over. I know I cried, then to add insult to injury I had to pack up my stuff and thing 1's because it was his flat. I think that stung more than anything. I couldn't go back to my parents, I didn't know what to do. So I went to DT's house and fell to pieces. I don't remember anything other than laying on her bed holding thing1 and sobbing uncontrollably. I know DT ended up telling my parents as I just couldn't bare to tell them. It was over this time that DC and I really got chatting properly - she sent some amazingly supportive messages and encouraged me to get angry rather than self destruct. Even a couple of DH's closest friends bowled me over by turning up on my door and supporting me - something I never expected, or encouraged tbh - I still thought he should have his friends around him.

So, over the next few weeks I spent a hell of a lot of time with DT and generally attempting to function on a daily basis. I'd moved back into my parents house and was sharing a room with thing1. I'll admit to driving past the flat in the hope we might bump into each other (thing1's nursery was directly opposite so I wasn't actually taking a detour). After a few weeks we started talking again and DH said that he wanted to patch things up, he still wasn't sure how he felt but he missed me. At that point, that was good enough for me. I was going to stay living at mums and we were going to try dating, and well it just felt right to fall back into bed together. we'd even gone out and had a family photo thing done with the three of us. On the Wednesday morning I considered 'popping in' to collect some more of my stuff, I dismissed it as being neurotic and needy. Perhaps I should have with hind sight. We had planned to meet up on the Tuesday, but apparently he was going out with some guys from work so I went over on Thursday instead. When I turned up, there was no indication of anything wrong weirdly after having spent some time being rather close again, I was sitting on the sofa and he just left his phone next to me - I've never worked out if he did this on purpose, but I picked it up as a message came through. He was in the room, so it wasn't like I was being sneaky! He was wandering around doing stuff as I sat on the sofa with the world crashing around down my ears. Here on his phone were texts saying how great Tuesday night had been and will he stay over at hers next time from a girl from work (different one from before). I asked him who she was and when I got the response' no-one' I handed him his phone and repeated a couple of the messages to him. I went into self destruct and figured if I was going out it was going to be with a bang, so I told him that seeing as he had been sleeping with us both this week, she had a right to know. He refused to call her, so I did. I used his phone to call her and tell her exactly what had been going on then handed the phone over to him. From accounts, the shit he got at work was in some way a minor revenge. I had finally had enough at this point and told him exactly where he could stick it - then headed over to DT. I couldn't cry, I was so angry I had no clue what I was doing. So we did the next best thing, we gothed it up and gathered up the guys and went clubbing whee I got so massively drunk I ended up pole dancing (bad idea in a posture collar btw) and throwing myself at a friend who really didn't deserve to get mixed up in it.

When the club closed I sat on the beach with him and just talked until some ridiculous hour of the morning. We'd kissed in the club and with my head full of blinding pain and alcohol we decided it was a good idea to return to his house. The only thing is when we got to the front door, I just couldn't do it. The idea of sleeping with anyone else than DH was just incomprehensible. So I let myself into DT's house and curled up on the sofa.

Weirdly that weekend, I spoke to DH. Having told him where to stick it, I was ok talking to him. I was no longer desperately seeking signs that he might want me back. And yet it was now that he'd actually realised what he'd done. He apologised and asked if we could meet up. We went for a long walk and I asked him to give me his version of events. I probably gave him mine over the course of the next few years. He apologised lots. And did everything he could to rebuild the trust we had before. He will still openly admit now that he was a complete fuckwit for those few months and I know it upsets him to think that it still hurts me now. He did everything he possibly could and I did forgive him and I was right to, he's proved that now. Six months later we got married. By then it felt right, but on the weeks running up I did have my doubts and by then I was 5 months pregnant with thing2. Why did we get married? Because we loved each other - and what happened over those few months was an almighty blip - we spend a lot of time talking about things now and in some weird way his moment of being a total arse possibly meant that we communicate better now. As two people we're actually closer now than ever, we understand each other in detail which is maybe why it was so easy to forgive him. He was in his own version of self destruct, of all people I should understand that. At his core he's a good man, occasionally a bit of a tit, but at his essence he is my 'one'. Of course these are events that will never be conveyed to smaller people and actually from here I want to let the events go and just like other things, draw a line and say 'now you stay that side'.

Now you would think that recent events may have freaked me out considering the medium of communication. Actually, it's done the opposite. Texts are now good, rather than bad. So I have certain people to thank for that even if they had no idea what wounds they were inadvertently healing.