Digging Deeper

I edited this post after a bit of thought... it wasn't really fair. Revised:

So yesterday's little rant was met with more acceptance than I was expecting, and a little less paranoia. This is a good thing.

Just mooching through facebook this morning and I came to a realization that I have spent the past 5 years attempting to live up to a variety of women in Tom's past (oh for God's sake, let's just use names, it's not like anyone reads this. DH = Tom). He has this clever trick of being amicable with basically every girl he's ever dated or placed on a pedestal. To a few of them, he was a bit of a shit actually, and yet his misdemeanors have been forgiven. So where I have a handful of people who I'd rather avoid and a couple with more than a little animosity, he has a list of 'friends'. In reality, I should be comforted by the fact that a) I'm his longest ever relationship b) he chose to marry me c) I'm the mother of his children and d) despite the first three we're still stupidly in love

However, despite all of the rational arguments above about why I should feel very comfortable I still desperately try to measure up (in my head) to those that he placed on a pedestal. So let’s look at the line up and give an explanation. It's not that I worry that he'll run off with any of them, it's not that, it's more that perhaps I just don't measure up to the people before me - and for those of you involved, take it as a compliment
Ok, so seeing as I'm bound by OCD, I'm going to tackle each one in turn and explain my fears. That way I might convince myself I'm an idiot.

Ok, so I'm going to tackle the ones that in a rational person's mind could actually be seen as a threat (e.g. the ones he actually dated!!). That seems a good start.

Ok, most obvious I guess is DC. You can't ever compare to someone's first love and let’s face it she's hot and funny and thin. I could be forgiven at this point to be wearing a slightly maniacal grin and be digging a shallow grave, except instead she's also my best friend. The cow had to also be one of the nicest people on the planet. But he would have done anything for her, including following her like a lost puppy through various other reprobates that she dated and holding onto the upset from them breaking up until shortly before we met... yeah like I didn't know that. That makes her sound bad, and it shouldn't as he made his fair share of mistakes too.

So H. I'm probably more aware of her as an ex that anyone as Tom and I knew each other while they were dating. She also has all the trademarks of benchmark for the next girlfriend: she's pretty, skinny as a rake, a socialite, 5 years younger than me, but maybe a little um... what's a nice word for psychotic? Demanding? But other than that, she had top marks in girlfriend ratings.


Oh god. Where do I start with J? Um, ok basically post DC (I think - I get rather confused with the timeline), he lusted after her until, well, well into when we dated. I met her once or twice and instantly could not see it - she's classically pretty and although not gothy in the slightest, is definitely 'his type' even if she is a Roedean girl and utterly off with the fairies on a whole different planet.

Well V is easy to explain - he moved out because he was lusting after her. Then we got together. The stupid git even told H he liked her while they were dating (he nearly didn't survive that!). This is another conundrum - I really like her, she's a real laugh, and lets face it she's possibly the scariest woman on the planet (secretly I reckon that's why some dated her lol)

And then, well DF. This one's no secret, but out of all of the line up DF & DC are the only two I see as still up on the pedestal. But Sam was on a pedestal for a long time and they're still close. With her there's a lot to measure up to, and in many ways I think I probably fall a little short.


So there we have it. The list of people to measure up to. With a couple I'm not so sure I do. I know this is my own little insecurity to work through, but perhaps by actually listing what it is that I feel insecure about, I might start to see that perhaps I am a little irrational? Maybe.

What is it that makes me insecure? In no particular order and in various combinations, with some, it's their undeniable ability to become stick thin with either by not eating or without any bloody effort after having children, with others they're incredibly pretty, others it's because they're intelligent and funny, and others they have a past together. Most of them it's a combination.


Does anyone else see a woman with a statement on her arm she doesn't really believe? I guess if it's on me for life, I ought to start believing it.
Eventually, I might believe it, for now I'll accept that I can at least see I look ok sometimes and I'm ok with compliments. They don't make me want to curl up anymore.

I could do with a hug today.