Ribbon On My Wrist

Ok so when you initially ask for help, you're generally asked to fill in a questionaire where you score statements from 1 to 4 on how accurate they are. There's more to it than just scores though. So I thought instead I'd tell people the truth about how things are in my head recently by answering each question in my own words seeing as I've migrated inwards.



1. I feel downhearted, blue, and sad.
Well, I've been writing the blog for three months now so the chances are this is pretty accurate. Except blue and sad doesn't cut it. When the sad takes hold on occasions it's more like a void. One blog described it best, it creeps up on me quietly then hits and becomes a big fucking black hole.

2. Morning is when I feel the best.
I can't tell when I feel best. Some mornings are happy, others I wake up and immediately wish I hadn't. In the same was the evenings pass with no regulality - some evenings I want to snuggle and be loved and others I want to crawl under a rock where no-one can find me. If there is any regular occurance then mid morning is most likely when I'll slip into twitchy mode and lose track of everything and everyone in my attempts to be productive, my head tingles. And mid afternoon is pretty much a guaranteed downward to a degree, when I'm at home without the distraction of being a mushroom, this is the point when things sometimes seem at their worst.

3. I have crying spells or feel like it.
I didn't. It was more like I couldn't. But I felt like it - sometimes I feel like crying just out of pure frustration that I can't just function like everyone else. Sometimes it's because the world as a whole just scares me and I want someone to wrap me up in their arms and make it all better.


4. I have trouble sleeping through the night.
Nope. Not me - not unless you count the kids. If anything it's all I want to do.


5. I eat as much as I used to. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
I eat. I like food. I don't like what it does to me. And it's more like food apathy - I'll eat if it's there and I don't have to do anything with it. I'll make an effort to make sure the kids eat healthily, I just can't be bothered to feed myself, that and having been so apathetic about eating, I quite like the after effects.

6. I enjoy looking at, talking to, and being with attractive women/men.
Again, so dependant! Yes, depending on who it is. People I'm close to, absolutely, random strangers absolutely not. I don't like people and my dislike of being near new people has just intensified recently. I feel utterly raw and sometimes feel like they can see all of this bleugh on display just by looking at me. It used to feel hidden and now I just feel exposed and I don't understand why.

7. I notice that I am losing weight. (If you are on a diet, answer as if you were not.)
Surely this was answerd above?! Why am I being asked this again? I've lost some, not intentionally.

8. I have trouble with constipation.
And this is relevant somehow?

9. My heart beats faster than usual.
I don't wear a heart monitor - last time I tried one it increased for a whole different reason lol. Other than that, are you asking me if I'm nervous? Paranoid? Yes, quite possibley. Quite a lot. I panic at the slightest thing. Everything worries me. I fret that I've upset people or that those closest to me are drifting away, and yet I rarely tell them becuase I worry that me being insane will drive them away further (can you see where I'm goin here?)

10. I get tired for no reason.
I've not slept properly in 4 years - there are two reasons upstairs looking rather more innocent than they really are. But yes, I get lethargic, apathetic and generally tired (or just bloody lazy)

11. My mind is as clear as it used to be.
I don't remember ever not feeling up and down like this. This recent crap is just me, but magnified.

12. I find it easy to do the things I used to do.
What did I used to do? Not a lot. Drink I guess. And I can't do that now. But I do much more now, so yes nice and easy here.

13. I am restless and can't keep still.
Sometimes. Sometimes I have to fill every second and can't sit down, but I balance that out nicely ;)

14. I feel hopeful about the future.
I have no actual plans, I'm just sort of seeing what happens. People around me are planning their lives away and I just feel like I'm riding the wave. I can't plan if I don't know what's ahead.

15. I am more irritable than usual.
I'm always irritable. I take after my Dad ;)

16. I find it easy to make decisions.
I don't want to make them - does that count? Recently I'd rather let other people take over the important stuff.

17. I feel that I am useful and needed.
I'm needed. Sometimes I am sure about being wanted, others not so sure. I need reassurance and probably don't provide enough reassurance to the people that I love.

18. My life is pretty full.
Totally.

19. I feel that others would be better off if I were dead.
There are times, yes. This I guess is the biggie. I think about what would happen and it's more the thought that perhaps people would be better off, but they hurt that it would cause would be horrible so better to ride the storm than let other people hurt.

20. I still enjoy the things I used to do.
Does WoW count?


Last word. Things aren't that bad. They've been much much worse. I'm just a bit wibbly while I work out how all this change affects how I can be openly. I just wanted to be honest.