Ultradian Cycling

Some information to explain why I have been bouncing up and down like a slightly demented yoyo. The past few months have been a bit of a roller coaster with me deciding to let things fly. But to add to this, there has been a return of cycling. For a long time it was relatively easy to hide as first came the children (and the blame lay with hormones.... what a wonderful excuse!) then before that excuse ran out I started Uni where the periods of normality were quite lengthy, manic moments were addressed with coursework and I could throw myself into hours of coursework producing pages upon pages (jokes were generally made that my assignments would be three times as long as anyone else's, but hey, it got me good grades!). But these waves were the reason for my putting so much work in - they gave me an outlet. The not so great moments were there too, but were easily put down to being tired, over-stressed and having issues with tutors.

Now the course is over, and work, although much less pressured than the course doesn't provide me with an obsession to feed my moods. The down feels more empty and the ups have no focus so I flit from one thing to another with no grounding force - this is possibly worse than the downs as the ups take so many forms from euphoria (which is fine when you have an outlet, but not when it's because you cleaned a worktop to perfection) to anxiety so intense you can't breathe and as calm as you try to appear you just always seem 'twitchy'.

A few months back I decided to return to using some medication to lift things a little, but I had to stop these when my hips gave out and painkillers were needed. The combination of painkillers and pills weren't marvelously safe, so pain free became the focus as my mood had stabilized. And while I was out of my tree on painkillers I cared little for my mental state as I wasn't sure if my brain and body were indeed connected. Now I've ceased the painkillers, the cycling has returned with ferocity, and instead of days up days down which I was used to, I was faced with several cycles in a day. I wake up full of the joys of spring and by lunchtime I'm so apathetic it's unreal, then back up in the evening (or any combination you can think). I've been here before, when I finally notice it, it's called Ultradian Cycling and frankly must be awful for those around me. I can't imagine living with anyone in this state! So I got the happy pills back out, and 24 hours after returning to htp & lithium orate I'm feeling more stable than I have in weeks. It's like life in sharp focus again. So instead of harping on about how unfair life is, I just want to say sorry to people around me; I've been a pain in the arse. It's not a miracle cure, but rational is a start.